The Sisterhood of Widows

When you are widowed you wonder if you’re the only one that stays in bed in the middle of the day because it’s just too much effort to get on with life. Or maybe you’re so busy that you haven’t had time to stop and grieve, and you wonder if there are other widows like you.

This page is full of stories widows have sent Mary about their own journey and they are shared so that you can see you are not alone.

“Hi Mary! I LOVED your story!!! You gave some wonderful insight, and what I really liked was that you gave lots of ideas for getting on the healing path. I found your words very wise, but more importantly, inspirational. I could certainly identify with so much in the chapter and found myself nodding ‘yes’ throughout the story.”

“Since my interview with you, I am currently on a different path than I was at that time. I have come to the realization that I do not require a man in my life to feel complete and enjoy life. I am selling my house and buying a garden home in Hampton. I have applied for a teaching position overseas and am looking forward to my son’s wedding this coming summer. I have a true sense of freedom and am enjoying it to the max!!”

“My greatest fear after Roger died was that I would one day be alone. It was hard seeing my children grow up and go out on their own, but I eventually accepted it and believe it or not, I have come to terms with the way things are and I’m actually seeing all the positives of being on my own.”

– Melanie

“Hi, sorry I can’t join you for supper. I was one of those widows who did not look after her money, and I am on a very tight budget. Have fun and when I am in a better place I will join you again. My pastor received your book and called me to see if I wanted it. I had stopped going to church about 2 years ago and it was so strange he called me because there are some widows in our church.”

“As a result of his call I have gone back to church and intend to become active in my church again, so your book does other things beside help with healing, so strange or not.”

One widow wrote to Mary: “Well done Mary! I was impressed. Our guys are not replaceable that’s for sure. There were several phrases that really caught me…”

She listed many lines from Mary’s writing that helped her – reminders that everyone dies, that only God knows how much time we have, that people are more important than things, and that grief needs its time but doesn’t have to find a permanent home in your soul.

“There were so many others Mary. I have scribbled and highlighted all over it. It gave me a sense of peace to read it and I will many times. I hope you are very proud of your accomplishment. We need this book Mary.”

She shared how she is forever changed for having known her husband, and that reading Mary’s work helped her feel less abandoned and more understood.

One widow, widowed at age 44, described how she discovered The Sisterhood of Widows while searching online. She went to a bookstore, quietly bought the book and took it home.

“It was a Saturday afternoon when I brought the book home and sat down on the couch and read all afternoon and well into the late evening. Tears filled my eyes after reading the first chapter and from then on I felt compelled to keep reading.”

“I was so wrapped up in reading about each widow’s journey and how their experiences made me reflect on my own journey that I couldn’t put the book down until I read every last page.”

She talked about still having hard days years later, but feeling comforted that she wasn’t the only one who felt that way, and that the book was full of wisdom, encouragement and hope.

– Lynn

“Just wanted to let you know that I just read your book. I am a widow and it was very helpful. It’s been 3 years and I am still grieving, but your book was very motivating for me to try to get out of the house.”

She shared that she had tried a grief course earlier and only went twice, but after reading Mary’s book she went back to a course and found it helpful.

“Thank you for the wonderful book. God bless you Mary Francis.” – Camelia

Kim became a widow at 29, with a three-year-old daughter and newborn twin girls. Her husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer after months of not feeling well, and he died at 36.

She wrote: “He didn’t deserve to be taken away from his family at such a young age. It has been a rough road for me and my girls, but we are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends.”

She found Mary’s book through a cousin and said she planned to reread it many times, each time finding something new to help her through her loss.

Jessica tells the story of losing her husband, Pat, to a sudden heart attack at the cottage during the night of his 48th birthday. She describes arriving to a strangely quiet cottage, finding him in bed, and realizing he had died.

“There was a card on the kitchen table from Joan but that was all… I touched him and found him very cold and very dead… I shouted at him as I was very cross and angry at him. How dare he do such a thing!”

She stayed with him, cradling him in her arms until the ambulance arrived. She has remained a widow for many years, always feeling deep compassion for other widows.

After reading about Mary and her book, she organized a “Widows Pot Luck Supper” so widows could meet, share and support one another, with Mary as the special guest.

– Jessica Ryan

Yes. The group is set to private so only members can see posts and comments. You can still take your time and simply read along until you feel comfortable sharing.

No. Widows from many different countries and age groups are welcome. What we share in common is the loss of a partner and the desire to heal.

That’s okay. Many women join simply to read and feel less alone. There is no pressure to post. You can move at your own pace.

Yes, you’re welcome to share the group link with any widow who might benefit:
facebook.com/groups/978959175474991

One widow wrote: “My greatest fear after my husband died was that I would one day be alone. Now the kids are grown up and I am alone as I feared I would be.”

Mary’s answer: You need to get out to social events or do some volunteering because it will help you to meet new people and lift your spirit. No changes can or will happen if you let fear of loneliness keep you in your house.

Many widows talk about feeling their husband’s presence for a time after death – a touch on their hair, a movement at the bedroom door, a sense of someone being near.

Mary’s answer: Yes. Many widows, including some in Mary’s book, felt their husband’s presence for the first few months. It usually fades over time, but it can bring peace when you need it most.

A widow shared that she couldn’t bear the thought of anyone touching her husband’s boat or remains, and felt stuck.

Mary’s answer: Who says that your late husband’s things have to go this soon? Hold on to them until you are ready. Don’t rush decisions you may later regret. Some widows keep items like homes, vehicles or boats for years before feeling ready to let them go.

Mary’s answer: Many widows (Mary included) were numb after their husband’s death and didn’t seek advice right away. It can help to meet with your bank or a financial advisor, even for a free consultation.

Write out your monthly bills and income so you know exactly where you stand. Consider putting extra money into a short-term investment while you make a plan, instead of rushing decisions.

One widow promised to take her husband’s ashes across the country but later feared she couldn’t do it.

Mary’s answer: Ask yourself whether not keeping the promise will weigh on you. If you can see a good reason for changing the plan and feel at peace with it, you may not carry regrets. Go with your heart.

Mary’s answer: You may want to avoid the whole season, or feel pressure to “get into the spirit”. You may also feel guilty if you enjoy moments of joy. All of this is normal.

She suggests:

• Be open to new ways of celebrating and starting new traditions.
• Keep what traditions you can, but release those that are too painful or exhausting.
• Talk with family (especially children) about what they want and don’t want to do.
• Don’t try to do everything yourself – simplify where you can.
• Include your loved one’s name and memories in conversation; saying their name can be comforting.

Mary’s answer: Yes. As a gift it shows that you understand and care about her grief. The book is a collection of 16 stories from different widows about their own grief. Giving it is a gentle way to say “I’m here for you.”

Some widows describe going “a little crazy” in their early grief – staying out constantly, dating quickly, or feeling very unsettled.

Mary’s answer: We have to heal emotionally and that takes time. In the meantime, look after yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. Aim to be a survivor not only in body but in heart and soul. Keep working on what you can control and, over time, others will see the more stable, self-assured person you are becoming.

Mary suggests joining social programs or activities where other women are involved – for example, she joined a women’s curling league two months after her husband’s death and made good friends there.

“Stand up and fight for a life that is full of friends and family. Join groups, volunteer, find your passion and just go do it. The more you are out and about, the more you’ll notice other widows in the groups. Reach out to them and you will find the support you seek.”

Mary’s answer: When you feel comfortable – not when others say you should. Mary took hers off in the fourth year and had pendants made. Other widows never remove theirs. It’s a deeply personal choice.

Mary’s answer: Take your time and go slowly. If someone tries to rush you, tell them you’re not ready – and if they don’t respect that, they may not be right for you. She also notes that the intense longing some widows feel (“widow’s fire”) can lead to rushing into a relationship purely for physical needs, and encourages considering your emotional safety as well.

Mary’s answer: You’re tired and everything is an effort, but remember that your in-laws lost a child as you lost a spouse. If your children have a decent relationship with them, try to allow some contact – even occasional visits – so the children don’t lose their grandparents as well as their father.

Mary’s answer: Be careful about telling people you have an insurance settlement. If asked if you’ll be okay, a simple “yes” is enough.

When you feel ready, meet with a certified financial planner (CFP) to help you make a plan. If you have any doubts, get a second opinion. Educate yourself and remember that this is your life – you deserve to feel informed and in control of the decisions.