When you have young children at home, your grief is twice as hard. Your children will express their feelings in different ways, depending on age and maturity. They may act out their grief and frustration or withdraw into themselves.
Make sure they know that you are available to listen and to talk whenever they are ready. Most children have some kind of concept of death based on T.V., the death of a pet or a distant relative. They may have some misconceptions and fears that they need your help with.
Don’t be afraid to let your children see you cry so that they know its o.k. to express their own grief. Children desperately need acceptance and security so assure them that they will be taken care of and that the family will stay together. Give as many hugs as they allow and let them feel your strength.
As you work through your grief together keep in mind that you cannot take all their pain from them. They will have to work through their own grief journey (with your loving support).
Your older children are grieving but they understand and want to help you. Don’t just say “I’m fine” when they ask how you are doing. Let them know that you are struggling and take the time to look at pictures and talk about the fun times the family had together.
They want to help, but don’t know how, so be specific as to what they can do for you. They may seem to provide too much advice and caring but don’t forget to show appreciation for their efforts. Don’t let your children rush you into something you are not ready for or assume that you are “free” or “need something to do”.
Share your loss with your grown children and reach out to them with love. Understand their pain and that they want only the best for you but it is your life and you have to be responsible for your own grief journey.
Mary
I read the advice on your website and it was helpful.
I came across your website because I was browsing at the widow and widowers meet dot com dating website.
I lost my husband Mark De Selles February 9, 2011. he was 38 and I was 40.
I was also 3 months pregnant with our daughter Heather, who is 11 months old now.
He was in a motorcycle accident that I witnessed from my car. We were driving on the highway in Arlington, Texas after he purchased a used motorcycle from a seller he found on the internet.
He drove my car over there, but I went with him. I said nothing as he went into the bank to get his money, but protested the whole time on the way over there, trying to tell him this was not a good idea.
I had a really bad feeling about his decision and told him so…but since he was using his money from his own separate account I told him ultimately it was his decision.
He crashed by trying to break and slipped on black ice. Although he had on a helmet, the speed of the impact when he hit the ground caused the helmet to break. His head injury was severe, and although ambulance, fire men and police were there in minutes, he had already passed.
As you know as a widow we have a special duty to somehow put our grief on hold in order to do the proper, right and decent thing…notify his family and friends immediately, make final arrangements, close his accounts, pay off his debts, take care of bills, ect… I did all of this, and had to deal with his grieving mother, and take his ashes back to New Orleans, where his is from…all while 3 months pegnant!
I insisted that that is where he should be laid to rest because he loved his city and his football team, The New Orleans Saints so much. As a matter of fact the only 2 times I saw my husband cry was at our wedding, when saying his vows and when the Saints won the superbowl!
Heather is truly a miracle and a gift from God, because I could have easily lost her, but the shock , and inconsolable sadness I experienced throughout my pregnancy did not affect her!
She is the happiest, most beautiful child! And looks just like her daddy… (and me too!!)
Since I don’t have anyone to share this with at the moment, I will share it with you…Heather counted to 3 this morning out loud. I said “one” and she finished what I was going to say, she said “two, three”!!! In the cutest baby voice!
Thank you for listening and please feel free to share/publish this story.
Jennifer De Selles