Jennifer – A Widow’s Story

Mary
I read the advice on your website and it was helpful.
I came across your website because I was browsing at the widow and widowers meet dot com dating website.

I lost my husband Mark De Selles February 9, 2011. he was 38 and I was 40.

I was also 3 months pregnant with our daughter Heather, who is 11 months old now.

He was in a motorcycle accident that I witnessed from my car. We were driving on the highway in Arlington, Texas after he purchased a used motorcycle from a seller he found on the internet.

He drove my car over there, but I went with him. I said nothing as he went into the bank to get his money, but protested the whole time on the way over there, trying to tell him this was not a good idea.

I had a really bad feeling about his decision and told him so…but since he was using his money from his own separate account I told him ultimately it was his decision.

He crashed by trying to break and slipped on black ice. Although he had on a helmet, the speed of the impact when he hit the ground caused the helmet to break. His head injury was severe, and although ambulance, fire men and police were there in minutes, he had already passed.

As you know as a widow we have a special duty to somehow put our grief on hold in order to do the proper, right and decent thing…notify his family and friends immediately, make final arrangements, close his accounts, pay off his debts, take care of bills, ect… I did all of this, and had to deal with his grieving mother, and take his ashes back to New Orleans, where his is from…all while 3 months pegnant!

I insisted that that is where he should be laid to rest because he loved his city and his football team, The New Orleans Saints so much. As a matter of fact the only 2 times I saw my husband cry was at our wedding, when saying his vows and when the Saints won the superbowl!

Heather is truly a miracle and a gift from God, because I could have easily lost her, but the shock , and inconsolable sadness I experienced throughout my pregnancy did not affect her!

She is the happiest, most beautiful child! And looks just like her daddy… (and me too!!)

Since I don’t have anyone to share this with at the moment, I will share it with you…Heather counted to 3 this morning out loud. I said “one” and she finished what I was going to say, she said “two, three”!!! In the cutest baby voice!

Thank you for listening and please feel free to share/publish this story.

Jennifer De Selles

10 Responses

  1. Mary Francis
    |

    I’m so sorry Jennifer about all that you have gone through. You are a special lady and because of your strength I know that you will be able to reach out to new widows and help them through their grief journey. Thank you for sharing your story and for permission to use your story.

  2. Jessica
    |

    Hello Jennifer, My name is Jessica, I just happened to read of your husbands death as I was looking up someone else with the same name, who is living in New Orleans. I am so sorry for your loss, and hope you are getting along ok with your little girl. You are a very strong and courageous woman. Heather is blessed to have you as a mom. Stay strong and be happy, your husband would want that for you both.

  3. Carman
    |

    I completely understand the fact that there isn’t anyone to tell the insignificant moments of your day. My Henry was my best friend, he’s who I told my every waking moment to. I just can’t imagine all the many memories to come without the person who helped sow them into existence.My husband was killed a month ago. It was unexpected and extremely hard but like you there were so many things that were a must for me to complete. We have two girls, Cherish 11& Cerenity 7 and our baby boy Henry V who will be 6 next month!! God help us mothers left alone by death. God says he takes care if the widows and orphans!!! I pray He shows up in a mighty way for us all, in Jesus name, amen!!!????

  4. Mary Francis
    |

    I’m sorry to hear about the tragic death of your husband. It’s true that God cares for us but sometimes the burden is harder then we can bear. I guess that’s why we need out friends and family around us to help heal our pain.

  5. Joy
    |

    Hi Jennifer,
    I was glad to stumble on your story. I lost my husband May 5th 2014. He and I argued over getting the motorcycle because I feared exactly what happened to him. I said nothing after we arrived to pick it up either cause I knew he was going to get it no matter what I said. I even rode with him and would have been that night if I didn’t have to work.
    He died quickly too. Flat tire caused him to lose control. The loneliness is overwhelming. The sadness is too. We may lose our home and everything else too. He died the day before our son’s 18th birthday. I was lucky to have him 20 years. He was my best friend, my pain in the butt too.
    I am here if you ever want to talk.
    Joy

  6. lisa lockwood
    |

    I lost my husband my a year and 8 months ago.He just turned 45 that april.He was in a motorcycle accident.He died at the scene,Internal injuries.I never liked motorcycles.This was my biggest fear.He died a month before they turned 16yrs old,They were also getting their braces that they had on for 3yrs.We were all excitied.Then our world came crashing down at 9:30 that night.I feel so bad for my kids and for my husband.They lost their best friend.I can just see it in their faces.For me it seems harder the second year.In the beginning you have to stay strong and take care of business, and that last a couples to a year.kinda survival mode.Second year it quiets down and you kinda feel left blowing in the wind.Everything is new.You go out and feel out of place.Your thinking to yourself I wouldn’t be here if this didn’t happen.How do meet new people,what to do with your time now that he’s gone and kids are older.Then you have guilt.Then you start thinking about you future without him.Its scary.Who’s gonna love me the way he did,the comfort i felt with him.All can do is pray that my husband and god have a good plan for me.

  7. Mary Francis
    |

    I’m sorry Lisa about the terrible accident that took the life of your husband and thank you for sharing your story with us. I also found the second year harder then the first. I think it was because I was not as numb and was more aware of what I no longer had. The one person you can count on is yourself. You have to love yourself enough to get through the grief so you can heal. Take care of yourself, Mary Francis

  8. Teressa
    |

    I’m just stumbling across this site today. I will be 50 in November. My husband was truly my soulmate. He has been gone 7 years this coming October. He bravely battled liver cirrhosis though he never drank or did drugs and spent the last six years of his life waiting on a a liver transplant the never happened. The last year was extremely difficult with frequent hospitalizations. He was in ICU for nearly a month before he succumbed due to sepsis.although that can be a grim prognosis seemed he was going to beat the odds until the liver basically said “screw you,I’m done” and he went into total liver failure. He was only 54 nearly 12 years my senior. Helped me raise 5 kids from my first marriage after their died and we went through too much to write about even here. I don’t even know how to describe the way I feel even 7yrs later. I breathe in I breathe out as the song says but so lost lonely still. I often say take the W(we)from the w-hole and you end up with a hole of a brand new sort. Neither of us were perfect but we were perfect for ea other. Though I feel lost and lonely I am truly lonely without HIM. Not so sure you ever get but one soulmate though I do know I’m free to “love” again,I just don’t think anyone else could measure up. I just feel sometimes I’m trapped in the loneliness and that my grieving process is long up in the eyes of society. Though I don’t cry everyday theres never a day that I don’t experience the “empty wish you were here”feeling. I just hide the tears when they do come so that I at least seem to function as “normal” though truthfully not so sure what normal is anymore and that I will every experience happiness as in the past until I cross River Jordan

  9. Teressa
    |

    I should have said 7 years in August not sure how I made that typo. Our wedding anniversary is coming up june 26th

  10. Mary Francis
    |

    Dear Teressa – Grief doesn’t have a time line and once we cross all things are back to the way they were. Grief changes who we are and our “normal” also changes. We can only heal by embracing our memories and accepting our grief. I’ve been widowed ten years and I still have my hard times. I will always have Donnie in my memories but I’ve come to understand that it’s up to me to create another future because the future we had planned is forever gone. I hear from many widows that have found another love and they say that it doesn’t take away from the love they have for their first husband. I guess that is to be seen but regardless the love you need has to come first from loving yourself just as you are – then you will be able to be happy again. Take care of yourself, Mary Francis

Leave a Reply