Automatic Review After Death

When someone you love dies an almost automatic review process begins. The widow will remember many events that occurred over the length of her marriage. Some of the events are happy and produce fond memories; some are unhappy and produce sad memories.

During this review the widow will usually discover some things that she wishes had ended “different, better, or more.” It is those unsaid things which need to be discovered and talked about.

Every widow is unique and responds to grief and healing at her own pace. It is essential never to compare one widow to another. Each and every widow has her own individual beliefs about how to deal with her feelings of loss.

Widows need to talk about “What Happened” almost immediately following the loss. It pre-occupies them, just as a person may be pre-occupied with an accident or some other tragedy.

Sociality believes that grievers want and need to be alone.  How many of you remember being told not to bring up the death of your Uncle to your Aunt?   Your family hoped to avoid the topic of the loss, in an attempt to protect your Aunt.

Let each widow remember her relationship with her husband and share it when and how she wants. Love and respect her enough to quietly let her talk and just be there for her.

2 Responses

  1. NANCY NIXON
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    Mary, nobody seems to want to talk about my beloved husband of 24 years; it’s almost like he didn’t exist at all!!! He died six months ago on May 25, 2012, and like many others have said I, too, am so d— tired of crying!! My efforts to cry alone don’t always work out well, either. Fortunately, Jaime, my precious, sweet daughter is very sensitive to my needs and will just sit with me while I “Boo-Hoo” and bring me the box of kleenex!!! Jimmy was her step-father and, while they had a difficult relationship as often happens, she was very upset when he died. She has been a tremendous help and so very supportive. Of course, there are those, “Mom, you need to get out of the house; go shopping; visit friends, etc.” She doesn’t realize that I don’t care if I even get out of the bed some days!!! The saving grace for me has been a little dog that Jimmy and I rescued two years ago. I HAVE TO GET UP TO TAKE HIM OUT WHETHER I WANT TO OR NOT!!!! I can’t believe how much he and my kitty have helped me during this process. They make NO demands on me, except to be fed, and cuddled!!

    Thanks so much for being a “sounding board”; it’s nice to be able to communicate with other widows (only the second time I’ve used that word, I think) who have “been there, done that, and have the T-shirt”, so to speak. Again, many thanks!! Keep up the good and wonderful work you are doing for us. Blessings to you and yours!!! Nancy

  2. Mary Francis
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    Nancy, my heart goes out to you at this time. It’s ok to grieve and the holidays make it even harder because the season is suppose to be so “happy” and “festive”. This is your first Christmas so it will be hard to get up and take part in life but it sounds like you have been blessed with a daughter that loves you. Slowly life has a way of healing and your memories will bring you peace.

    In the New Year please reach out and find a group in your area for support and encouragement as you work through your pain. In the future you will be surprised to find that you will in turn be helping a new widow because you will be pass this stage and will be able to help her. In helping others you will in fact be helping yourself because it will make you realize just how far you have come in your own grief to healing journey.

    Don’t give up on life because you have a lot to offer to your daughter and believe me the grandchildren of your future will bring you a lot of pleasure.

    Take Care, Mary Francis

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