Victim Mentality

Some widows develop lifelong victim mentality following the death of their loved one. They feel that they have been wronged or robbed of something precious.

It places a burden on family and friends who must be on constant alert to never say or do anything that could be perceived as thoughtless or hurtful.

You definitely don’t want to carry that “victim” feeling for the rest of your life. When your spouse died, there was broken hopes, dreams and expectations. Now is a good time to write out the thoughts and feelings that their death robbed you of communicating. This gives you the opportunity to clearly state your loss and the hopes/dreams that are not going to come true.

It’s okay to be angry, sad, frustrated so don’t judge yourself for having these emotions. Deal with them by writing it all out so that you can say goodbye to the pain, to being a victim and be free to restart your life and find happiness again.

There is a difference between normal grieving (which is healthy) and having a victim mentality (which is unhealthy).  Don’t let what has gone wrong in your life become all consuming – never to see the blessings you still have.

9 Responses

  1. Mrs T

    I can say that I feel robbed and everytime I see couples especially in my age group i feel more robbed. How are they allowed to have their spouses but I was denied this. Makes me really jeolus and truth be told, I do sometimes feel like a victim of circumstance. I also understand that this is no ones fault, it i what it is. Sometimes people do comment that “snap out of it” which is why i would rather keep away from them as they are happy to discuss their perfect lives but when i talk about my life it sort of like spoils the mood for them. This is my reality and somehow its wrong to talk about it as it makes other people feel uncomfortable.

  2. Mary Francis

    Hi Mrs T. I think we should talk freely about how we feel but I agree that it can make others uncomfortable. The key is to find someone who can relate to our grief because they will listen to us. I don’t know how long you have been widowed but grieving is normal and we are victims of life. The key is to heal so that doesn’t become our whole life. Easier said then done but sharing our journey with others helps. Take care of yourself first. Mary Francis

  3. Mrs T

    Thank you Mary
    I am 41, widowed for 7 months

  4. Mary Francis

    Mrs T please don’t expect too much as your in the early stage of grieving. It’s an emotional time and I remember thinking the same way about couples, especially my first Christmas when I was out shopping. Hold on tight to your true supporters as they are your life line. Mary Francis

  5. Jan

    I found this article very interesting. Yes, seeing other couples does hit the nerve of sadness that he is no longer at my side but I also can feel happiness for them that they still have that pleasure and can only wish for them that they are not taking their time together for granted. As we all know, it can be taken from you at any moment.
    I do feel victimized by the legal system though. Being a widow of a “lost person”, the legal system in my state does not recognize someone deceased for 5 years. Life insurance companies and Social Security cannot process a claim without a death certificate and it costs thousands of dollars to petition the court for a presumptive death certificate prior to the 5 years. My husband is still missing after over a year in the wilderness that he so loved to hike in. If he had been in war, gone down in a publicized plane crash, etc. they push those claims through. I am working on accepting this and fighting it at the same time. Because this is just wrong for people to have to go through this when their life has been turned upside down. Whenever a legal issue comes up it opens the fresh wound and then I work through it again and again.

  6. Mary Francis

    Dear Jan. I’m so very sorry to hear about how it works when a spouse goes missing in your state. It’s hard enough to be a widow without having to deal with the legal system. It may be worth your while to pay for a visit to a lawyer that specializes in this field to get expert advise. Take care of yourself and know that you heal through the support of family and friends. Mary Francis

  7. Jan

    Thank you Mary. Yes, I’ve been to two different attorneys and have been told by both that it would cost around $25000 to petition the court for the presumptive death certificate. It’s a very hard place to be stuck in limbo.

  8. Joyce D.

    I am glad I came across this website. I am newly widowed this summer and I feel lost. My husband had Parkinson’s disease and I was his caregiver until he had to go to a nursing home. Now that he has passed, I feel I have no purpose – my kids are grown and don’t need me, I don’t have a husband to take care of – not much to do. I need ideas of what to do to get my purpose and love for life back.

  9. Mary Francis

    Dear Joyce – you will have to get out and try old / new things to see what strikes your fancy. Have fun doing it and your love for life will come naturally. Mary Francis

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