Loneliness

When our spouses were alive, we were more content to sit around on a Saturday night to watch TV and eat leftovers. But now they are gone and loneliness is our new companion.

So our desire to get out increases and we socialize more, eat out more, see more movies and go on more trips. And with all that our expenses tend to increase, not decrease as we fight the loneliness factor.

Statistics indicate that women outlive their husbands and her future often depends on his source of income and how well they planned for the future.  The outcome of their planning will have a direct affect on the surviving woman’s quality of life and her options in fighting the loneliness factor once she is on her own.

Loneliness is a huge issue when you go from being a couple to being on your own. I know that money isn’t everything but that’s easy to say if you have money and not so easy if you’re too broke to go out to the movies with your friends.

Take the time to really check out all the details of your finances and then plan for your night outs and trips based on what you can afford. Sometimes just getting out to the local coffee shop or some window shopping with friends is all that’s needed to beat the loneliness factor.

Everyone has their special way to beat the loneliness – my favorite is to go to the local second hand shop and have a good dig for that special something at a price that I can’t refuse:-)

What’s do you do to avoid the “loneliness” of a Saturday night?

15 Responses

  1. Bridget
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    I don’t like to go out at night and come home to an empty house, so I go out during the day. I like to hang out at coffeehouses, and book stores. I meet my sister every week a couple of times, and now I am going back to Weight Watchers mainly to meet other women. I also go to bereavement group at church where I met a few other widows who are friendly. I really need girlfriends now that I am no longer part of a couple.

  2. Mary Francis
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    Hi Bridget – you are on the right track. Getting out and making new friends is as important as trying new things. Remember this is your time but also don’t get so busy that your using it to not grieve. It’s a balance act to grieve and yet still move forward to healing by getting out and making new friends. Sounds like you have it. Take care of yourself, Mary Francis

  3. Rania
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    I always face problem daily specially at night time and for sure Saturday night was our meeting day .Now i always try hard to make weekend busy more hangouts and cinema but loneliness is usually attacking me .in addition that all my friends are far away and married have responsibility and kids i am still challenging to have new life specially night life the most painful time any tips

  4. Victoria
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    I just lost my husband 4 weeks and 2 days ago of 13 years. He was my best friend and my soul mate for life. Upon his passing, My family flew to the West Coast to pick me up, drove me and our 2 labs 35 hours to Virginia to move home with them. Love my family for jumping in to save me. Just signed the paperwork to sell our home. I have been in complete shock and now starting to really feel life again which is terribly uncomfortable and so painful. I am 42 and he was 47. Totally unexpected, he had a brain aneurysm. I have literally been on the run from my feelings. I wake up early to run the dogs. Spend time with family. Take dogs on another run. Come back, eat dinner, then walking dogs for one last time. Very hard to watch tv, because it brings so many memories of the shows we watched together. Try just to put some type of news channel playing in the background. Thankfully, the company I worked for is letting me work from home on the East Coast. It’s keeping me a little distracted, But yes,evenings are the worst. I try to eat well, work out, work my real job. Basically,try to exhaust myself for the evening, so just maybe my brain will give up,but it just makes it worse sometimes. My mind is just too tired to deal, and I feel like a weeping child that just can’t stop crying missing him. My mother is recommending me to attend some type of grief counseling support. I shut off my feelings with strangers. The only people that see me reveal my emotions are my mom and sister. Sorry, I’ve completely unloaded my feelings here. I hope that’s okay. If anyone would like to share anything else useful to add how they make their nights better, I certainly would love to hear. Thank you for hearing me tonight. God Bless. Even though I am still very darn mad at God right at this moment.

  5. Mary Francis
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    Dear Rania – I’m sorry for your loss and it’s understandable that you are lonely especially at night. I don’t know how long you have been a widow but grieving is normal so please let it have it’s time. It does help to get out and make some new friends by joining some groups of things that interest you. If you like music, learn to play an instrument – if you like plays, so if you can volunteer – if you like sports, join a team or gym. You need to find what interests you and search out others to share that interest with. It’s hard to get our life back on track when we are alone but don’t give up on yourself. Keep trying new and different things until you find a fit for you. Take care, Mary Francis

  6. Mary Francis
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    Hi Victoria – It’s okay to be mad and God understands your pain (He has big shoulders). I agree with your Mother that you should look at attending a Grief Support group or a therapist so you can talk about it. As widows we often start wearing a mask “I’m okay” to the outside world and we don’t let ourselves grieve in the early years – because of that we don’t heal as we need to. I posted this “Loneliness” blog on my Facebook page and a lot of widows commented there on what they do for their loneliness. That Facebook page may be of interest to you and it also helps to know that your not alone. Many of us widows struggle to find our way from grieving to healing. Take care and know that it’s good for us widows to unload our feelings so no apologies are necessary. Mary Francis

  7. Chozella
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    Hello Victoria. (That was my mom’s name!) Its been 1 year and 1 month since my husband passed. We were married for 9 years. Its still not any easier and I too was aghast at God. Praying helps me. Throwing every emotion at God. No one else has the answers. I learnt that asking God “Why did my husband die when he did?” isnt get any response from Him. Personally, whats better for me is asking God, “What am I meant to learn & understand from my husband’s passing? ” I find that yielding a more postive attitude from me. For me, reading, work and church keeps me busy. I have started my degree program as well. I never in a 1,000 years thought this could happen to me. Yet it has. Im so lonely, I so miss him. The empty side of the bed he slept on, the empty car seat, sofa and dining chair besides mine constant daily reminders of my devastating loss. Yet life is to move on and forward. Alone. Does it get better? 1 year on? Yes it does get better, no it doesnt get any better. I have times….when I do feel…..ok…I will get through this…then other days when ….I am so overwhelmed. I still have my destiny to fulfill. My husband fulfilled his. That and hope & trust in God keeps me going. Its not easy but one step at a time, one day at a time.

  8. April
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    Hello to all , I am a widow at the age of 45, he was killed on his motorcycle 3 years and 1 month ago today. We were married 24 years and no children.
    My life is still in shambles, they say the second year is harder than the first, however, I feel this year has been the worst and not really sure why, I will never be the same, I have just started a second job to keep my mind busy along with needing the extra income, I thought getting out and making new friends would be good too, but it’s hard because I have been hurt by people that I thought were friends, so I have a hard time making friends. I see a therapist weekly and I honestly don’t think that I have grieved the loss of my husband, I tried to keep myself busy but I think that was just a shield so I wouldn’t;t have to grieve and here I am three years later with the same pain. Not that it will ever go away, nor will I ever forget, but now that I know I haven’t truly grieved him, what do I do now?

    Can someone help me out here?
    I know the stages of grief and I believe that I am still stuck on “anger” because I have been treated so unfairly from who I thought were friends and they were to help me when I needed them, but I can say only my sister, mother and 3 friends have stuck by me and that hurts.

  9. Mary Francis
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    Hi April – I’m sorry for you loss, it’s especially hard when it’s a sudden and unexpected death. It’s good that you are seeing a therapist weekly but it may also be of some help if you could talk to other widows around your same age who have been widowed longer than you. Other widows understand and relate to our grief and that’s how I found my way. Continue to follow blogs and sites that deal with grief – grieving is normal and it’s common to still be struggling in the third year. Time to let the “anger” go because the only one its hurting is you. If they couldn’t be with you in the hard times, then you’re better off without them. Better to have a few special friends that you can trust, then a group that runs when times are hard. Make it your mission to find those few special people, because they are out there, but the secret is that you have to be a friend first. Mary Francis

  10. Victoria
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    Thank you so much Mary Francis and the Chozella for your responses. Yes, the face mask has been placed very securely on since the hospital that night when his sister starting screaming obscene things Before we had to let him go. Some words were directed at me at some were at the doctors. I decided that night I am leaving Las Vegas and not coming back. I was going to start a new life, new routine, new home, everything changed overnight and moved to Virginia with my family. Good for you Chozella on your degree. That really shows such great strength. And Mary Francis, I would really like to check out your blog on Facebook. Is it kept private? My emotions are so personal to me, I would not want my Facebook friends reading this.
    So, my last thing to share this evening is this pit in the bottom of my stomach I get up each morning and have in which I know everybody might have too. I recognize as an adult what this pit is, loneliness. I want to fill it somehow, but nothing will fill it. Food, exercise, family, job, dogs who are my children. I know I need to make new friends here in Va. but I’m such a blubbering mess these days. Love to all of you, goodnight.

  11. Rosemary
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    Hello, I find the loneliness gnaws away at my heart and soul. I have been widowed now for 4.5 years, it’s not getting any better! He died when I was 55.
    We moved to be near my dtr as she was getting married and my dear husband died suddenly 7 weeks before. We had moved 6 months before. Four years on I have 2 gorgeous grandsons who I adore. But I’very not settled in this new area. I would like to move back to the village we came from. It’s about an hours drive from my dtr so it’s not an issue for me. Being a grandmother is just wonderful. The reality is I still have to work. I see my darling grandsons probably once or twice a week but like most widowed grandmas I fit round my dtr and son in laws life. That means my life essentially evolves around them. This is not a satisfactory way to live or to build a new life.
    I lack energy, purpose, confidence but know I am not happy living where I am. I can’t afford to buy anything nicer in this area but could buy something I really like an hour away. I loathe coming home to my house, in fact I have a constant ‘pain’ in my tummy when I’m here. I know no one can tell me what decision to make but I would really value some advice. I feel I’m just waiting to die….life seems to be passing me by now. I would like to attend least look forward to going home. I have 3 sons who actively encourage me to return to my village but I feel I don’t have my daughter’s blessing.
    Help!

  12. Mary Francis
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    Facebook Page – “The Sisterhood of Widows” is open and everyone can read, post and share from that Page.

    Facebook Page – “Chick’s Night Out-Canada & USA” is private and only the group can read, post to the Page. This private group is for widows only in Canada and United States (sorry I can’t have it open to the rest of the world but I’m too concerned about spam and hackers). The ONLY way to get accepted into this online/private Facebook Page is for YOU to go into Facebook – type in “Chick’s Night Out-Canada & USA” in the search bar and once it comes up YOU need to send in a REQUEST to join. This goes for all the Widows in Canada and United States.

    Let me know if you have any troubles with the REQUEST. Take care, Mary Francis

  13. Mary Francis
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    Hi Rosemary – You say “but I feel I don’t have my daughter’s blessing” as if you had not discussed this with her. It’s time to set down with your daughter and have an open discussion about how your not happy in the area and want to move back to where you and your husband had lived. In the end I’m sure that your daughter only wants the best for you. Know that many widows move thinking that it will ease their grief (I moved twice) and it doesn’t always help because our grief comes with us no matter where we are. Explain to her that you can and will be there to see and help with the grandsons as often as you do now because it’s only an hour’s drive away. Before talking to your daughter get some home prices from your old village and do some comparisons to show her. It may just be communication needs to be opened up between you. Ask your daughter what her concerns are – maybe she is worried that as you get older she won’t be able to be there for you if you move farther away. Take care, Mary Francis

  14. Chozella
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    Hello Victoria, just checking up on you. How are you doing? Hello April, Mary Francis is right. Its important to find other widows who have been widowed longer than you but are supportive and upbeat. Their experiences are helpful because they have been there longer than you. I have one such friend and I call her my Senior Consultant. Her husband passed a year earlier than mine. Her encouragement, advice and support have helped me as she has already passed through what I am going through now. Yes, the grief process is different for each of us yet I believe this one thing is constant, as widows, we are still here, its our responsibility to find out what God wants us to do with the rest of our lives. Our spouses fulfilled their destiny, they finished their race. We are still in the race. This totally helps me and Im constantly talking to God about it. “Lord, what would you have me do now, whats my purpose now that my husband is no longer with me?” Its a lonely place to be, never doubt that. Yet I derive comfort from God, supportive fellow widows, friends and family. One other thing that really helped me was going to my husband’s grave. During the first year, I felt I could never go and I had even organized someone to oversee the setting up of his tombstone. That didn’t work out and I was forced to go that day. I felt such peace there and I had an epiphany. My husband’s remains were in that piece of ground but he….his spirit, his essence , the him…wasnt in that cemetery. That realisation hit me, the “living” part of my husband was with God. That just blew my mind and now I try and visit his tomb weekly to polish the stone and make sure the grass is just so (yeah…Im a wee bit ocd! Lol) I miss him so very much yet now I can go to his tomb and not break down. Yesterday I surprised my friends (who had known my husband ) by putting a picture of my husband on my desk at work. They became emotional when they saw it and asked me why I had done that. For me, its a comfort now to look at him and remember what a wonderful husband I had. I have come a long way and Im grateful to God, friends, family and Mary Francis.

  15. Mary Francis
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    Hi Chozella – It’s a difficult journey but it is made easier by our faith and others who stick by us. Thank you for sharing and I think it’s a great idea to put a picture on your desk if that is what brings you comfort. We shouldn’t stop talking about our loved ones or sharing our memories. It’s all part of our healing and it helps not to hide our pain. Take care, Mary Francis

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