Questions that Widows Frequently Ask

Question:  How do I come to terms with the way things are and start seeing all the positives of being on my own? My greatest fear after my husband died, was that I would one day be alone.  Now the kids are grown up and I am alone as I feared I would be.  M.A.

Answer:  You need to get out to social events or do some volunteering because it will get you out of the house and lift your spirit.  For more on the your mental health do a Google search or go to and ask for research on mental health.

 Mary Spacer


Question:  Do other widows feel their husbands presence after their death?   Last night I swear as I fell asleep I could feel him all around me. Touching my hair. Then it was like swords passing through my body that didn't hurt, at different angles, sweeping down and through, down and through. A couple of days ago I felt his presence and saw a movement in the bedroom door way twice. Not a shadow, how would I describe it,  more like a whisper or a fleeting corner of the eye image. Not even a body just a movement somehow.  T.K.

Answer:  Many of the widows I have talked to plus a few in the book talked about feeling their husband’s presence.  It only lasted a little while and after the first few months it went away, but it gave them some peace when they needed it.

Mary Spacer

Question:  As a Widow I can't move forward– how do I let his things go?   I have two big decisions left, one where to bury Jose's remains and two, what to do with his boat. I can't bear anyone having or touching the boat. Imagine a stranger putting their hands where Jose's were, touching what he valued, his passion. I just can't see past it. Not yet and maybe never.   D.S.

Answer:  Who says that your late husband's things have to go this soon?  Hold on to the boat until you are ready.  One of the widows in the book held on to her husband’s boat for a few years before she sold it.  Don’t rush to make decisions as it’s best to wait until you are comfortable with them.  You may change your mind and you don’t want to have any regrets.

Mary Spacer

Question:  Can you give me some advice on how to manage my money?   I am one of those widows who did not look after her money, and I am on a very tight budget.  S. B.

Answer:  Many widows, myself included, were numb after the death of their husband.  Looking back I should have gotten some professional advice from the bank (they don’t charge for a consultation).  Put any extra money into one year investments so you have time to plan.  Write out exactly what your monthly bills are and also your monthly income so that you know exactly how you are.  Sometimes we think we know but are surprised once it’s all on paper.  For more information check out

Mary Spacer

Question:  I made my late husband a promise that I may not fulfill.  What is the right thing to do?   Last night someone told me that my husband wouldn't want me in such agony and if he had known asking me to take his ashes across the country would cause such pain, that he would have never asked me. Well fine, but he did and I agreed. Someone else told me we sometimes make promises we can't keep. I just wish I could sort out my feelings, myself, without allowing influence.  T.G.

Answer:  This is a tough question because it depends on you.  Will you be o.k. with not keeping the promise or will it bother you?  If you can see the reason for not following his wishes and are at peace with it then regrets will not follow you.  Go with your heart!

Mary Spacer

Question:  Is your book "The Sisterhood of Widows" appropriate as a gift?   My best friend's husband died 6 weeks ago from a heart attack and they have 2 children.  Her husband was 56 and everyone admired his way of taking care of his health. As a widow I understand her pain and I want to help her.  I saw your book advertised on CTV and I feel sure that this book will give her hope and peace.   R.C.

Answer:  Yes, as a gift it shows that you understand and care about her grief.  The Sisterhood of Widows is a collection of stories from 16 different widows who talk about their own grief.  Your best friend will know it’s your way of showing you are there for her.

Mary Spacer

Question:  How can I feel better about myself?   I went crazy after my husband’s death.  I hit the bars 7 days a week (not that person) which was a quick fix.   Probably dated too soon for fear of being alone, angry, faced fears of handling thing myself, finances, insecurities, emptiness, and a big void in my heart that still exists. My children haven’t understood my loss.  (They think they do) I was not myself for at least the first three years.  But I have come a long way since then but I’m still unsettled.  N.G.

Answer:  We have to heal emotionally and that takes time.  In the meantime you need to look after yourself in all aspects: Physically, mentally and spiritually.  Do more than “survive” – get to know yourself and come out swinging.   Be a survivor in more than body – be a survivor in your heart and soul.   For more on the your emotional health go to and ask for research on emotions. 

Mary Spacer

Question:  Where can I find the support of other widows?   Hi Mary!  I LOVE the cover. I think it is absolutely perfect! I like the way the 2 women are holding hands which suggests the comfort and compassion that can be received from another widow, and the tranquil view suggests to me that peace can be yours once again after a long hard struggle with the help from another or other widows.   I love that widows are supporting other widows and helping them to understand the journey.  A.T.

Answer:  There are many different social programs you can get involved in.  If you don’t like to volunteer then try something that other women are involved in.  I joined a women’s curling league two months after Donnie’s death and it made me get out when I just wanted to stay in.  I made some great friends and that is where I had my first big, old, belly laugh and that is when I knew I was finding my way. Stand up and fight for a life that is full of friends and family.  Join groups, volunteer, find your passion and just go do it. Don’t feel bad that you are the one that’s alive – instead be even more alive by seeking out positive people.  The more you are out and about the more you will notice other widows in the groups.  It's like buying a new car and then noticing just how many other cars are like yours on the road. You don't notice the widows until you become one yourself.  Reach out to them and you will find the support you seek.

Mary Spacer

Question:  When is the right time to take off my wedding rings?

Answer:  When you feel comfortable doing it and not because others are making comments about it.  I took mine off in my fourth year and had some pendants made.  There are alot of widows that never take their wedding rings off.  It is a very personal choice that each widow makes based on her own grief journey.  Please read more about this from my blog article:

Mary Spacer

Question:  I'm thinking about dating but having sex with a different man is scary.  How do I get past my fear?

Answer:  I would suggest that when you start dating you take your time and go slow.  If the guy tries to rush you and you are not comfortable then tell him so.  If he doesn't respect your wishes then he probably isn't the guy for you.  More about this from my blog articles:

Mary Spacer

Question:  Do I owe it to my children to keep in touch with their grandparents (my in-laws) after the death of my husband?  Although they are nice people I don’t agree with their values and I just don’t have the energy to keep in touch with them.  My children are 8 and 11 and they get along with them but they don’t seem to care if they see them.

Answer:  You are tired and everything is an effort but you will see things different in a few months.  They lost their son as you lost your husband.  Think how you would feel if it was your grown son and you also lost your grandchildren.  Please make the effort, even if it’s only to drop your kids off for an afternoon with their grandparents once in a while.  Do it for the children so that they don’t lose their grandparents as well as their father.

Mary Spacer

Question: I’m getting all kinds of advice about what to do with the insurance money.  Our children are grown but I still have a mortgage and debt. What should I do?


Answer:  Be careful about telling anyone you have this money. If anyone asks if you’ll be OK, say “Yes”. That’s all they need to know and this will save you from people who are looking to borrow a little cash.  Once you’re feeling better, get in touch with a certified financial planner, a CFP. They will be able to give you good advice on how to manage your insurance settlement so that it will work for you going forward. If you have any doubts, meet with another planner – you need to be comfortable with their recommendations and decisions.

You need to educate yourself and demand careful explanations with fast follow-ups. This is your life – prepare yourself intellectually and emotionally to take charge of your future. Don’t assume others have your back, don’t take for granted that it will all work out on its own and most importantly don’t depend on others without first taking the time to check things out.

Mary Spacer

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100 Responses

  1. Mary Francis

    Oh Lisa, you are beautiful just as you are and your late husband could see the beauty in your heart. God does love you and I’m sure that He spared your husband a long and painful death. Now it’s your time to live a full life and the only way you are going to be able to do that is for you to talk out your fears with someone who can help you work through all your pain. It’s time to take control of your future and not stay in the house out of fear. The beauty in your heart needs to come out and be shared with those that need your insight and caring. When you are ready look into volunteering and join some groups. The only way to make friends is to first be a friend – that takes courage but I’m sure you can do it. Take care of yourself, Mary Francis

  2. Sharon

    After almost two years, l still find myself crying when I see his photo. We spent 63 years together and I still am a Lost” soul.

  3. Mary Francis

    Hi Sharon. It is so hard to get rebalanced in life after we lose our husbands. It wasn’t until my third year that I could feel like I was starting to live life again. Hold on and don’t give up on yourself. Mary Francis

  4. Rosy

    Some of the men that know about my husband death, “flirt” with me, but they don’t mean it, then they’ll say they have a girlfriend somewhere else, I find it confusing and immature. Now, a new perspective is flirting and is very successful but I’m scared!

  5. Rosy

    For all the struggling widows including myself, listening to Eckheart Tolle or Tony Robbins, or most motivational speakers has been my “life line,” seriously, I have a daughter to live for and I don’t want to mess her up!

  6. Mary Francis

    Hi Rosy – I so agree with you about listening to motivational speakers. When grieving we need to feed ourselves all the positive messages we can get. I would like to add to your list some of the greats – Jim Rohn, Zig Ziglar and Brian Tracy. You don’t need to buy their programs, just go online to YouTube and type in their names and you can watch them all for free. Great Advise Rosy, thank you. Mary Francis

  7. Mary Francis

    Rosy – you have value and should be treated with respect. Let this man be a friend first and only a friend. If he proves to be a good friend, that treats you with the respect you deserve, than you can go from there. Don’t jump into relationships that are based only on sexual flirting. Especially as a mother you need to be very careful about the man you bring into your life. Now on the other side, if you want to date again than I say go for it because there are good men out there. Just be careful and listen to what your gut instinct tells you. Mary Francis

  8. Gale

    My heart seems to break more each day of the 20 months since my husband passes away. I have an elderly ,96 year old father that I help care for. It’s hard for me to be around him most of the time. I’m resentful he is here and my husband is gone at a young 60 years. I’m not sure how to be more positive with him or my life. My husband and I were like 1 whole person. Since he died , I pretend to be getting it all together, but truth is I’m not. I seem to be missing him more each day. I have wonderful children and grandchildren, but I can’t burden them, I have to be the rock.mentally and physically I’m slipping away and just want to be back with my guy.
    I’m not sure I want to stay here, just want my dad to live out his days well, so I can just disappear.

  9. Mary Francis

    Dear Gale, please take time for yourself. Being a caregiver is exhausting both physically and mentally. When we are grieving we don’t have a lot of extra to give and it’s a fine line between natural grieving and depression. You need to talk to someone and not worry about being a burden to others. Wearing a mask of “I’m okay” is just making it harder in the long run to deal with your pain. It’s time to look after yourself so that you can be happy again. And yes, it is possible to be happy again. It’s different, I know but you can do it. Mary Francis

  10. Karen

    Hello Mary,
    I realize that the grief period is different for everyone. I suddenly lost my husband (best friend) a year ago. I’m wondering when will I be able to tolerate people talking about their husbands? It seems that’s all people actually have to talk about and every time I hear it, it feels like a knife in my heart.
    Thank you,

  11. Mary Francis

    Oh, Karen – how well I relate to your question. I never noticed how much we talked about our husbands when I had mine, but boy did I notice it after Donnie’s death. When I’m out shopping I also notice every couple my age and it still feels unfair and it’s been almost ten years for me. I’ve moved forward in life, but it still hurts not to have my husband. I wish you could be free of this pain but it is unfortunately part of our grieving. Time does help soften our pain, but you are only one year into your journey and it would be misleading for me to tell you all is right after one year. As grieving lessens and healing begins you will be able to tolerate women who talk non stop about their husbands. The worse is when they complain about small things while we are seating there wishing with all our hearts that we had our husbands back. Meanwhile, focus on the positive in your life as that will be where your healing is. Mary Francis

  12. Dorothy

    Very inspiring.Hubby passed away on 15th July 2016 after being together for 43 years and very lonely.I do have adult kids all being married and have their own lives.Have a few questions and appreciate if you can please give a little advice.
    1.You feel you lived with hubby for many years and will never settle again but do you have a change of mind and whats your take on it?
    2.Are you answerable to your kids or do you let them know everything that happens in your life?Many Thanks

  13. Mary Francis

    Hi Dorothy.
    1. I never wanted to date but changed my mine after nine years of being single. Still not interested in anything serious but I’ve learned to “never said never” because who knows what the future holds.

    2. You are not answerable to anyone. The kids deserve the same kind of respect that you deserve. In other words they shouldn’t be hearing things from others by gossip. If you start dating one man then they should be told. But they don’t need to know everything about your life anymore than you should know everything about their lives. Good questions. Mary Francis

  14. Rose

    I lost my husband 11 year’s ago, I’m pregnant with out second child when he’s gone,and our first child is only 3 year’s old that time. I really don’t know what to do I feel I wanted to die also so many questions pop up on my head. So many Why’s LORD? He’s so good husband, he’s the husband that so perfect but he’s gone. It’s hard to accept until my family encourage me ,pray for me and thank God I did not lost my faith for him. And now my girl’s are big now and me I have to work hard for them, I leave them to my parents so that I can work, but still hard for me being far to them .
    Some of my friends advice me to love again give my self a chance to meet another man. But I’m feeling worried how if I meet a man would they understand me and love me back just like how my husband love me?

  15. Mary Francis

    Dear Rose – Don’t over think about dating or not. Just be open to the possibilities and if the right man comes into your life you will feel it. Listen to your heart and don’t date just because you are lonely. Instead let it come naturally and if he is the right man he will take the time to understand your grief and love you just for who you are. Mary Francis

  16. Leah Mills

    I have some great advice after losing my husband 9 years ago.

  17. K

    I have been a widow for 7 years now. I am currently 34 years old with 3 amazing children. Now age 18, 11, and 9. I have been in a couple relationships. One of which has been pretty serious. I find myself going through stages where one minute im fine. Showing love and affection comes easy. I want to make this relationship work. To not wanting any love or affection. Finding it easier to run and possibly sabotaging the relationship. We have had many ups and downs. Have split a couple times now. Partially for my back and forth feelings partially for other reasons. I often just feel as a loss. What is wrong with me. This man has tried very hard to prove to me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Yet i just get in these funks where i don’t want anything to do with it or him. Is there something i can do to stop the back and forth? Am I just not ready even after all this time? Any advise would be great. Thank you

  18. Mary Francis

    Dear K – In all the world nothing can be as complicated as relationships. In my journey it was nine years before I decided to date a wonderful man who kept asking me out. If I had a check list of all the things I wanted he was near perfect. But, after 3 months I realized that I just did not want another man in my life, no matter how great he was. I had become used to doing my own thing and not being accountable to anyone and I started to resent the changes made because I was in a relationship. Perhaps I’m looking for that “love” that I had with Donnie and no one can match up or maybe I’m simply happier single, I don’t know. Others tell me that if he was the right guy I would always want to be with him, so therefore he just wasn’t it. The truth is even when married I wasn’t always happy, I had my funks even then, so perhaps that just part of life. Maybe your expecting too much from the relationship or maybe he just isn’t the one. Only you can decide, but I do know one thing, a decision has to be made because sitting on the fence isn’t healthy for either you or him. Take care, Mary Francis

  19. Stephanie hunt

    Hi I’m Stephanie I was wondering if there’s any widows out there that are feeling the way I am I’d like to hear from you please I’m having a really hard time with my husband’s death it’s been 5 months but at night when it starts getting dark I either have to leave go somewhere I can’t stand to be in this house alone when the light is turning tonight does anybody else have this problem

  20. Mary Francis

    Hi Stephanie – I can say from talking to hundreds of widows that you are not alone in feeling the way you do about not wanting to be home alone at night. Widows handle it different ways from always having a light on, to getting a security system or a dog, some move because the house is no longer peaceful. This question needs to be posted in a better place to get other widows to answer. I will post it in my Facebook page “The Sisterhood of Widows” and let others reply there to it. Please follow that Facebook page and hopefully you will get the feedback you are looking for. Sincerely, Mary Francis

  21. Lisa

    It has been a month l lost my husband and i find it so so hard to accept it, neither to believe it. I miss him i just find it hard to live without him, he was my everything and we had so many plans together like planning to have children next year and we so much happier. how can i accept this? i feel like my life has come into an end..

  22. Mary Francis

    Dear Lisa – I’m so sorry about your loss. I wish I had some magic words of comfort but there are no answers as to why we lose a loved one. You are so fresh in your grief and it’s natural to be angry and confused about where this leaves you. All your future plans and dreams are also gone and are part of what your grieving. Your life as you knew it has come to an end – sadly your life as a wife has changed, so your grieving is normal. Don’t hide your pain as sharing your grief will be part of your healing. Reach out to others and consider support groups in your area as this is too hard of a journey to do on your own. Take care of yourself because your life matters. Mary Francis

  23. Lisa

    Thanks so much Mary, i hope i will be fine soon but it won’t be easy and it will take sometime for me to let go maybe years.

  24. Lesley

    I lost my husband of 28 years 3 weeks ago. It was so sudden that I don’t think I have got my head around it. I function thro the day but not sleeping/eating well. I want to be on my own to cry but I know that this isn’t healthy so I seek company which is difficult in itself. I lurch from being devastated to managing a laugh and I love to talk about him. On good days I worry that I’m doing too well. I am so confused and sad.
    I can’t imagine ever being right again. I was funny outgoing and upbeat but I have changed so much in 3 weeks. My sons seem ok but I worry for them too.
    I need my husband to help me but he’s not here and I miss him so much.

  25. Mary Francis

    Hi Lesley – I was married 27 years when Donnie died and I’m speaking from the heart when I tell you that it’s normal to be confused, sad and totally unbalanced. It is a terrible thing – grief and there are no magic shortcuts. The best thing to do is talk about how you feel and don’t start wearing the “I’m okay mask” when others ask you how your doing. If you can’t find someone to talk to then please search out some grief support in your area or other widows that will let you talk and share your grief. Take care of yourself and hold on tight to everything positive in your life. Mary Francis

  26. Susan

    My husband died 2 years ago at age 68. I have not moved on. We were married for 46 years and he was ill from age 34, so I spent most of our marriage looking after him now I’m alone and have found I don’t know how to enjoy myself or laugh anymore. Don’t know how to move on. Any advice you can give me will be appreciated. My grandson said I’m terribly flat.

  27. Mary Francis

    Dear Susan – I’m not surprised that your grandson thinks your “flat”. Sad but understandable as you have been a caregiver for over 30 years. You not only have to grieve his loss but also a way of life that you had become used to. But now it’s time for you – and if not now, when?? Time to get a new hair style, update your clothes and go out. Shop around for things that interest you, that you could never get out to do before. In other words – live life for yourself. Others can’t do this for you – take a leap of faith and get out of the house. Mary Francis

  28. Marlene

    I have been widowed twice. My first marriage lasted 17 years and my second lasted 16 years. I’m very involved with a wonderful man now who has just been diagnosed with a serious heart condition. I must have all the signs and symptoms of PTSD at this point. I’m not nearly as old as you might think but I sure feel like I’ve lived a few lifetimes. After trying so many things there’s no healing for me. I’m just waiting for the next catastrophic event. Precious life is hard.

  29. Mary Francis

    Hi Marlene – How blessed you have been!! Do you know how many widows want to be blessed with a second love and you have had three in your life time. Time to honor what you have had instead of what you don’t have. Please stop waiting “for the next catastrophic event” and instead start looking around for what you have to be thankful for. Being positive is harder than being negative and that’s why most people don’t make the effort. I want to tell you that life is magic, but it also comes with some pain and loss. Don’t give up! Mary Francis

  30. Lisa

    I wrote a while ago about my husband passing I thought that was the worst year I could endure was actually looking forward to putting 2016 behind me but this year hasn’t been any better my parent passed in march my fur baby in may and just three days ago another fur baby passed I feel like death has got my number and is having a field day with my life iam drowning from all the death I’ve tried to reach out to the churches in my small town but no one seems to have the heart or time to help me deal its pretty sad when a father of a church won’t give you the time of day unless you come to his church even if you have no way of getting there if I were a priest I’d find a way to help anyone who needs help isn’t that what their job description states that their suppose to be doing the work of the lord very sick and sad that they don’t have time to do what their suppose to do

  31. Mary Francis

    Dear Lisa – It’s natural to feel anger with your grief as you have indeed faced a lot of loses in a short period of time. When that happens our heart is broken and we tend to focus on the people who let us down and the things that aren’t right in our lives. You can’t control the outside world but you do have 100% control of your response to them. No one can fix your broken heart but if your a faith driven person than you can take it to God. “God the Father” will listen better than any “Father of a Church” can. Start keeping a journal and write out all your feelings – good, bad and ugly as it helps to get it all out in the open. Make the changes that you can within your control and try to focus on the good still in your life. Take care, Mary Francis

  32. Karen M

    Hello Mary Francis,
    I was widowed on 9/13, it did not come as a huge shock to me since Jim had a massive heart attack 2.5 years earlier, had quadruple bypass surgery, but still only had 30% of his heart functioning. We were told that he was a prime candidate for sudden heart failure. But all the same it hit me like a ton of bricks. Everyone thinks I’m so strong, that it doesn’t affect me, but it does, of course I miss him, but he had pretty much given up on life and was so horribly unhappy, in a way it was a relief. I complained a lot to coworkers and family that he was stubborn and wouldn’t do what was necessary to take care of himself, I generally got a reply of “make him”. You can not make somebody do something they don’t want to do.
    For whatever reason, he refused to sign his will, he refused to wear a vest that could have possibly saved his life yet again (knowing how unhappy he was, I really can’t blame him, since he told me everyday how much he hated life). He left me broke, in debt, and angry!
    Now I find my self repeating the very words I hated to hear come out of his mouth…..I hate my life.
    The game plan was I was going to retire this coming year, and we’d do some traveling, not big stuff, just around the country, as he wouldn’t fly, we were going to drive and see all the wonderful sights this country has to offer.
    Now I’m wiping out my savings, and everything else of monetary value just to hang onto the house.
    This is the short version, I really need someone to talk to that won’t judge me, perhaps even make me feel better…..I still work full time and drive 2 hrs a day to/from work, and coworkers are not really an option, family just doesn’t really understand, I’m not particularly religious (don’t attend church), I live in a little nothing of a town that offers nada….
    I can’t afford a therapist, the only thing I find on the internet are dating sites, not interested in that…
    What, where, who can I turn to?
    Thanks for listening,

  33. Mary Francis

    Hi Karen – I’m wondering why are you hanging onto a house (in a little nothing of a town) that you can’t afford to drive 2 hours a day to/from work? Sounds like you have several options:

    1. Look for a new house/condo/apartment closer to where you work, so that you stop using your saving to support a life style you can no longer afford.

    2. Look for a new job that you find more enjoyable.

    3. Do some travelling as a single person. I’ve never remarried and I have travelled with groups and also on bus trips on my own.

    4. If you’re healthy enough to work full time than you have the most important thing going for you – your health.

    If you “hate your life”, do something about it. Look at all your options and take some small actions towards a new life. If you don’t do it for yourself, who is going to do it for you? So to answer your question “who can I turn to”, my answer is to turn to yourself for your answers. You already know in your heart what needs changing, you just need to take the steps forward to find that positive life your looking for – believe me its there, you just have to go after it. Take care, Mary Francis

  34. Michelle

    It’s 9mths since my partner died after 4 years of cancer. His only son is trying to sell the house we shared and his young brother (executor) is trying to rule my life. He is bullying and intimidating and had the will read before the funeral. I have no friends as he was my best fiend and we did everything together. My parents are the only support I have. My eldest son passed away two and half years ago at age 28, he would have looked after me. I’m 57 and it’s been hell with no return in sight. I’m alive but am no way living. I walk every day for an hour and spend the rest of my time doing repairs on the house that my partner taught me how to do. It can be days on end that I don’t even use my voice. People just disappear and I realise they just don’t care. I don’t trust people anymore. I keep fighting for the house we both loved and spent a lot of money sweat & tears. This is my safe haven, I have nowhere else to go. I’m a young 57 year old but feel I’m just the same as widows in their 80s. Do you think there maybe there’s still a life for me in the future?

  35. Mary Francis

    Hi Michelle – I would talk to a lawyer to see what rights you have. The lawyer can send letters on your behalf to the son’s informing them of your rights. If on the other hand the lawyer says the son has the right to sell than I would take control and find a new place to live before you suddenly find yourself homeless. Take control first by going to see a lawyer and get a clear view on what your next step should be. Of course there is a life for you but I’m telling you up front that life is yours for the taking only if you choice to go after it. Good luck, Mary Francis

  36. Lynn

    I loss my beautiful husband to cancer 2 months ago. This is so painful, we did everything together. His adult children never really gave time although he was always present for them. They are angry with me, acted out at the hospital and they caused my husband great distress while he was fighting for his life. Now his kids keeping asking for stuff instead of letting me grieve.

  37. Mary Francis

    Hi Lynn – It often happens with second marriages that the adult children disconnect from the step mother once their dad is no longer there. Don’t take this personally against you as relationship issues usually go way back between the children and their father, you are just caught up in their mess. You can in no way control his adult children (sounds like he couldn’t either), so instead take control of your response. Give away what you want and keep what you want – it’s that simple. No matter what you do, they aren’t going to be happy so do what you want. If what they want seems fair than give it to them but remember not to expect any thanks. Sadly that’s just the way some relationships are. Take care of yourself first – that is your main concern at this time. Take care, Mary Francis

  38. Micah Angelica

    Hello, Mary Francis,

    I’m so glad that I have found your site. Two months ago, I lost my husband unexpectedly! 🙁 </3 He had a heart failure 🙁 when the nurses and the doctor told me that my husband didn't make it and it feels like it was the end of my world! this is the worst feeling ever 🙁 I'm 21 years old and he was my first love, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my everything my big baby, my first kiss.. my first everything <3 we got married two years ago. And now he's gone 🙁 I'm so lost. It really, really hurts 🙁 almost everynight he visits me in my dreams and he's so alive and when I wake up in the morning I cry again cause I have to face the reality.. I so miss his touch, his hug, his kisses. I don't want to do anything. I need him. I kept telling him before I need him always. He always told me he will never leave me but he left 🙁 he always told me we're going to create lots and lots of memories in the future but that won't happen anymore 🙁 all the holidays even our anniversary last month I cried. I pity myself 🙁 at night I wore the dress I saved for that day and for him to see but I can't touch him and kiss him anymore 🙁 I miss him so much like crazy! 🙁 I can't think things straight anymore 🙁 I'm so confuse why this happen to me, to us.. I'm REALLY SO upset! 🙁 there are times that I get angry at him for leaving me. There are times that I feel guilty. I should have forced him to go to the doctor and have a general check-up when he got sick terribly one time but he didn't want to go because he's worried about the money. I wish I got a job already but I'm still waiting for my greencard since I'm not a U.S citizen. I just got here last year. Is this normal to feel angry at him and feel guilty? I can't sleep very good at night. Lots of mixed emotions 🙁

  39. Mary Francis

    Hi Micah – I’m so sorry that you don’t have the support of family and friends to help you. Yes, it’s very normal to have a mixed bag of emotions; to be angry, lonely, guilty feeling and also to feel sorry for yourself. Believe me when I say we have all travelled this journey – it’s also normal when our hearts get broken to be unbalanced. It’s only been 2 months and I know that can feel like forever on one hand and yet on the other hand it feels like he is going to walk in the door any minute. Our hearts and logic just don’t match up when we’re grieving and it’s all very confusing. Holidays just make it all so much harder to bear, so don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time for our hearts to heal so be patient with yourself and let yourself grieve. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. Mary Francis

  40. Micah Angelica

    I don’t understand why my husband is not visiting me in my dreams anymore :(:( Somehow I feel glad when he’s in my dreams and see his handsome face smiling at me or talking to me. Even though it still hurts because it’s only a dream.

  41. Mary Francis

    Hi Micah – Some widows have dreams of their husbands for years, some for a short period of time, while others never see them in their dreams. Dreams are part of our subconscious mind and dreams have meaning. There is a whole field of study on dreams that you may find interesting. I don’t know that field of study well but it may be that your broken heart is starting to heal and your husbands visits are not needed like they were earlier in your grief. You may want do some research on dreams and their meaning as that will give you more information than I can. Take care, Mary Francis

  42. Micah Angelica

    Thanks, Mary

  43. Buffie

    I lost my husband from cancer, a little over a year ago. His parents hurt him many times during his sickness. I know I carry some anger around because of this and I have tried to let it go. Their continued behavior makes it so hard. My inlaws are not around much, even though my children want to see them. They are often”busy” and cancel after telling the kids they will come over. Which leaves me to explain why Grandma and grandpa didn’t come over when they said they would. They are judgemental of every decision I make and try to tell me how I am wrong, or analyze what I say. They do little things that are very hurtful. Just last week my mil sent a Christmas card address to Ms., I had previously told her I preferred to continue being address as Mrs. How do I keep them in our life, for my kids, but put my foot down about these mean behaviors.

  44. Mary Francis

    Dear Buffie. It’s not you, it’s them and we can never change others. They are who they are and if they were that way before your husbands death and after his death than nothing you say or do is going to change them. So if you want them in your children’s lives than you have to forgive so that bitterness doesn’t get a hold on you. Forgive not for their sake but for you and the children. In time the children themselves will make the decision as to if they want them in their lives. Until then it’s important for them not to lose both their Dad and their grandparents. You are a better person than them so take the high road for the kids sake. In time they will appreciate what you did for them and will probably slowly detach from the grandparents on their own. Mary Francis

  45. Gill

    As I read all of this I realise that losing my husband at a tender age of 38, on his birthday. I share so many feelings when I read all the above. Its hard work, financially, spiritually and mentally. I am now fighting for custody of his 10 year old. So the plot thickens. I had time to grieve but this baby needs me more. I miss him and conversation, but sometimes I get mad. Just today I was in acceptance mode that he is not coming back. And lonely nights, let me sleep in most nights. I don’t cry bitterly anymore, but when I do there are stages. I am afraid to love again. I had a marriage many envied. My question was is it ok to be so angry that he left us in all this mess? He made life bearable for us. Now it seems I can’t go in, when I know I can.

  46. Mary Francis

    Dear Gill -Your question “is it ok to be so angry?” is a normal response to being left on your own with problems to solve without his support. I would be more concerned if you didn’t feel anything, so my answer is, it’s okay to “feel anger” and everything else that goes with losing your loved one. Don’t hold back your emotions, let grief have it’s time and understand that your emotions will be all over the place as you heal. You can and will go on because it sounds like you have something worth living for – a child that needs you. Keep following all the resources you can for support and encouragement, and most of all take care of yourself. Mary Francis

  47. Beaulla

    Hi mery I lost my husband some months ago its so painful I lost hope coz that moment I was 2 mnts pregnant I cry everyday of my lyfe I don’t think my lyfe will be the same again pliz help

  48. Mary Francis

    Hi Beaulla – I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband. Your right that your life will never be the same again and it’s okay to be grieving. The light in your life is that you are going to have a baby, a child from the husband you so dearly love. Hold onto that hope and love as it will help you in the months again. Take care of yourself, Mary Francis

  49. Vandu


    It’s been 7 months since my husband committed suicide and it feels I have died 100 times during this time.I have a job and thts wht keeps me occupied but when I return home I cry ….it kills me to even think he is not there…why he did that I will never know….I loved him soooo much and he left me to listen to all the dirty talks happen it behind my back..people are pointing finger on my character ….m heartbroken…don’t know where to start…I had nervous breakdown last week ….I don’t want to live…what should I do…m 32 years old and now feel have no future to live for ….I have lost everything

  50. Mary Francis

    Dear Vandu. First let me express my apologies on behalf of all those insensitive people who are making comments on something they know nothing about. In my life I’ve had seven loved ones (both family and friends) that have taken their own lives. Depression is a mental disease and is as real as cancer to the person who has it. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else and just like you didn’t cause cancer in a loved one, you also don’t cause depression. They are the ones who have to fight their demons- some are successful and others are not.

    The sad part is that our loved ones left us to pick up the broken pieces they left behind.

    Stop the feelings of guilt and the “what if’s” because as my Mom said to me “it is what it is” and all the guilt in the world isn’t going to bring them back.

    Time is start living again – living is a gift and you should embrace it with all your heart because you deserve to be happy. And for others – if they don’t support you than their opinions are worthless. Find new friends that care and support you as you rebuild your life. Sincerely Mary Francis

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