Questions that Widows Frequently Ask

Question:  How do I come to terms with the way things are and start seeing all the positives of being on my own? My greatest fear after my husband died, was that I would one day be alone.  Now the kids are grown up and I am alone as I feared I would be.  M.A.

Answer:  You need to get out to social events or do some volunteering because it will get you out of the house and lift your spirit.  For more on the your mental health do a Google search or go to http://www.ask.com/ and ask for research on mental health.

 Mary Spacer

 

Question:  Do other widows feel their husbands presence after their death?   Last night I swear as I fell asleep I could feel him all around me. Touching my hair. Then it was like swords passing through my body that didn't hurt, at different angles, sweeping down and through, down and through. A couple of days ago I felt his presence and saw a movement in the bedroom door way twice. Not a shadow, how would I describe it,  more like a whisper or a fleeting corner of the eye image. Not even a body just a movement somehow.  T.K.

Answer:  Many of the widows I have talked to plus a few in the book talked about feeling their husband’s presence.  It only lasted a little while and after the first few months it went away, but it gave them some peace when they needed it.

Mary Spacer

Question:  As a Widow I can't move forward– how do I let his things go?   I have two big decisions left, one where to bury Jose's remains and two, what to do with his boat. I can't bear anyone having or touching the boat. Imagine a stranger putting their hands where Jose's were, touching what he valued, his passion. I just can't see past it. Not yet and maybe never.   D.S.

Answer:  Who says that your late husband's things have to go this soon?  Hold on to the boat until you are ready.  One of the widows in the book held on to her husband’s boat for a few years before she sold it.  Don’t rush to make decisions as it’s best to wait until you are comfortable with them.  You may change your mind and you don’t want to have any regrets.

Mary Spacer

Question:  Can you give me some advice on how to manage my money?   I am one of those widows who did not look after her money, and I am on a very tight budget.  S. B.

Answer:  Many widows, myself included, were numb after the death of their husband.  Looking back I should have gotten some professional advice from the bank (they don’t charge for a consultation).  Put any extra money into one year investments so you have time to plan.  Write out exactly what your monthly bills are and also your monthly income so that you know exactly how you are.  Sometimes we think we know but are surprised once it’s all on paper.  For more information check out http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/widowed-insurance-and-finance/

Mary Spacer

Question:  I made my late husband a promise that I may not fulfill.  What is the right thing to do?   Last night someone told me that my husband wouldn't want me in such agony and if he had known asking me to take his ashes across the country would cause such pain, that he would have never asked me. Well fine, but he did and I agreed. Someone else told me we sometimes make promises we can't keep. I just wish I could sort out my feelings, myself, without allowing influence.  T.G.

Answer:  This is a tough question because it depends on you.  Will you be o.k. with not keeping the promise or will it bother you?  If you can see the reason for not following his wishes and are at peace with it then regrets will not follow you.  Go with your heart!

Mary Spacer

Question:  Is your book "The Sisterhood of Widows" appropriate as a gift?   My best friend's husband died 6 weeks ago from a heart attack and they have 2 children.  Her husband was 56 and everyone admired his way of taking care of his health. As a widow I understand her pain and I want to help her.  I saw your book advertised on CTV and I feel sure that this book will give her hope and peace.   R.C.

Answer:  Yes, as a gift it shows that you understand and care about her grief.  The Sisterhood of Widows is a collection of stories from 16 different widows who talk about their own grief.  Your best friend will know it’s your way of showing you are there for her.

Mary Spacer

Question:  How can I feel better about myself?   I went crazy after my husband’s death.  I hit the bars 7 days a week (not that person) which was a quick fix.   Probably dated too soon for fear of being alone, angry, faced fears of handling thing myself, finances, insecurities, emptiness, and a big void in my heart that still exists. My children haven’t understood my loss.  (They think they do) I was not myself for at least the first three years.  But I have come a long way since then but I’m still unsettled.  N.G.

Answer:  We have to heal emotionally and that takes time.  In the meantime you need to look after yourself in all aspects: Physically, mentally and spiritually.  Do more than “survive” – get to know yourself and come out swinging.   Be a survivor in more than body – be a survivor in your heart and soul.   For more on the your emotional health go to http://www.ask.com/ and ask for research on emotions. 

Mary Spacer

Question:  Where can I find the support of other widows?   Hi Mary!  I LOVE the cover. I think it is absolutely perfect! I like the way the 2 women are holding hands which suggests the comfort and compassion that can be received from another widow, and the tranquil view suggests to me that peace can be yours once again after a long hard struggle with the help from another or other widows.   I love that widows are supporting other widows and helping them to understand the journey.  A.T.

Answer:  There are many different social programs you can get involved in.  If you don’t like to volunteer then try something that other women are involved in.  I joined a women’s curling league two months after Donnie’s death and it made me get out when I just wanted to stay in.  I made some great friends and that is where I had my first big, old, belly laugh and that is when I knew I was finding my way. Stand up and fight for a life that is full of friends and family.  Join groups, volunteer, find your passion and just go do it. Don’t feel bad that you are the one that’s alive – instead be even more alive by seeking out positive people.  The more you are out and about the more you will notice other widows in the groups.  It's like buying a new car and then noticing just how many other cars are like yours on the road. You don't notice the widows until you become one yourself.  Reach out to them and you will find the support you seek.

Mary Spacer

Question:  When is the right time to take off my wedding rings?

Answer:  When you feel comfortable doing it and not because others are making comments about it.  I took mine off in my fourth year and had some pendants made.  There are alot of widows that never take their wedding rings off.  It is a very personal choice that each widow makes based on her own grief journey.  Please read more about this from my blog article:  http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/2012/05/10/widows-and-their-wedding-rings/

Mary Spacer

Question:  I'm thinking about dating but having sex with a different man is scary.  How do I get past my fear?

Answer:  I would suggest that when you start dating you take your time and go slow.  If the guy tries to rush you and you are not comfortable then tell him so.  If he doesn't respect your wishes then he probably isn't the guy for you.  More about this from my blog articles:

Mary Spacer

Question:  Do I owe it to my children to keep in touch with their grandparents (my in-laws) after the death of my husband?  Although they are nice people I don’t agree with their values and I just don’t have the energy to keep in touch with them.  My children are 8 and 11 and they get along with them but they don’t seem to care if they see them.

Answer:  You are tired and everything is an effort but you will see things different in a few months.  They lost their son as you lost your husband.  Think how you would feel if it was your grown son and you also lost your grandchildren.  Please make the effort, even if it’s only to drop your kids off for an afternoon with their grandparents once in a while.  Do it for the children so that they don’t lose their grandparents as well as their father.

Mary Spacer

Question: I’m getting all kinds of advice about what to do with the insurance money.  Our children are grown but I still have a mortgage and debt. What should I do?

 

Answer:  Be careful about telling anyone you have this money. If anyone asks if you’ll be OK, say “Yes”. That’s all they need to know and this will save you from people who are looking to borrow a little cash.  Once you’re feeling better, get in touch with a certified financial planner, a CFP. They will be able to give you good advice on how to manage your insurance settlement so that it will work for you going forward. If you have any doubts, meet with another planner – you need to be comfortable with their recommendations and decisions.

You need to educate yourself and demand careful explanations with fast follow-ups. This is your life – prepare yourself intellectually and emotionally to take charge of your future. Don’t assume others have your back, don’t take for granted that it will all work out on its own and most importantly don’t depend on others without first taking the time to check things out.

Mary Spacer

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If you have any questions you would like posted to this website and have Mary answer then please send an E-mail to – Mary@thesisterhoodofwidows.com or reply below and hit submit.

7 Responses

  1. carol delgado
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    I don’t know what to do at night in the winter times. It’s been almost 2 years and all I want to do I start go to bed. I find shows on t.v. in the winter during the day but night time I want to drink or just go to bed

  2. Mary Francis
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    Dear Carol – please listen when I tell you that there is a fine line between healthy grief and depression. As widows we often weave back and forth across that line but sometimes we get stuck on the depression side and need help. If most nights are just drinking and going to bed out of loneliness then you need to see your doctor. We all need a helping hand and grieving is a hard journey to make on your own.

    Please talk to your doctor and explain how your feeling. He/She should be able to suggest some things to help you. The holidays are especially hard on us widows so take control and don’t let your life drift away. Take some time to research information and other sites that may provide resources that are positive. Take up some old or new hobbies and make yourself get up and out. You are valued and desire to be happy. Mary Francis

  3. MDP
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    I’ve lost my husband at a very young age. It’s been two years now. After he was buried, I literally had to pick up and move on. But at the same time, I went out every night and drank. I would sometimes not go home to my children. I used my husbands death just so they would understand. I have 4 children and my first 2 has been so angry at me for the decisions I’ve made. We have not been in talking terms for almost 2 years and it breaks my heart. I also lost my family members in the process. My husband was the glue that held my family together. Now that he is gone, I no longer exist because I was not good enough. I’ve been wanting a relationship for awhile now because I wanted companionship. I am afraid of being alone and I was so desperate to find someone. But I always failed. I come to realize that I need to close the doors from my past and start to grieve for the lost of my husband. I’ve never had the chance to sit and absorb what had happened two years ago. Do you think that if I just stop and sit and realize what I’ve lost, will I be able to start a new chapter in my life without having to look back at my past? Do you think it’ll work and I will finally be happy?

  4. lorraine carl
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    Today is one year since my husband died, it seems
    Like yesterday, it was not suppose to happen this way and I am unable to even think of doing anything, two months later his dog passed and I have put all my love in my other dog, I feel like my purpose in life is done now what? Sometimes I think I will sell the house then change my mind, I am angry with God for taking him and no desire to go back to Church

  5. OLDER WOMEN DATING YOUNGER MEN
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    Very helpful and Great information,
    we appreciate advise especially coming from a professional.
    Thanks again and keep up the great work!

  6. Mary Francis
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    It’s okay and perfectly normalto be angry. I would think that God can handle it and understands your pain. I can not begin to understand why things happen the way they do in this world. I quess those answers will come either on my journey this side of life or the other side. Don’t worry about feeling angry because the most important thing is that you are feeling. When we have no emotions at all and are dead inside that is the dangerous “depression” setting in. If that happens you need to talk to a counsellor or doctor for some help on your grief journey. Take care. Mary Francis

  7. Mary Francis
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    I wish it was an easy journey but the truth is – it isn’t and part of the grief journey is learning to love yourself. Sounds to me that you have come to the part in your journey where you realize that having just any man isn’t going to fill that empty spot in your life and drinking doesn’t either. Your in the right path now because your asking questions of yourself. You are realizing that your life is 100% in your control and created by your decisions. Keep up the good work and take care. Mary Francis

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