Health For Widows
Health for widows ranges from “cooking for one” (physical) to “stages of grief” (mental) to “a widow’s faith” (spiritual).
Each group can be a book within itself and so we are providing you with some information and resource links to get you started. Support and strength not only comes from others as in the Sisterhood of Widows, it also comes from within.
As you grow in knowledge and skills your will be more in charge of your life. Taking control is the best way health for widows can be achieved: physically, mentally and spiritually.
Physically
There are several aspects to your physical well being: stress control, sleep, exercise and diet being the top four.
Stress control – As you think ahead to any activity or celebration, plan the timing so you are in control of when you want to leave and plan ahead on how you will handle memories that will pull at your heart.
It is a balance act to get out and socialize and yet on the other hand you need time to just rest and grieve. The main thing is that in time you do get out and that you plan ahead. Sometimes, it’s best to take an understanding friend, especially if it’s a social with mostly couples.
Try to have reasonable expectations because the fact is it will never be the same again. So it is okay to plan and be realistic about what you can handle, both physically and emotionally. Slowly, you will be able to find joy in these outings and you will find your path.
Watch out for depression – it can sneak up on you and before you know it you have crossed over from a healthy grief to an unhealthy depression. Check out this blog called “Depression – Know The Signs” http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/2011/10/07/depression-2/
Sleep – Be kind to yourself. Sleep in if you need to and listen to your inner voice because you are the one who knows best how to take care of yourself. Curl up in your fuzzy robe and just relax. Take a deep breath of fresh air and enjoy a walk through a park.
Give yourself permission to step back from the world and recoup. Take time to stop and weep, stop and enjoy a memory and naturally heal as you move forward.
Exercise – I’m personally not a great one for going to the gym. In fact the gym and I are not on great speaking terms. I do know that when I’m stressed exercise helps me relax so I often look for fun things to do that also give me the exercise I need. Latin Line Dancing keeps you physical fit and also offers protection against dementia, plus its lots of fun. What else will help you make split-second decisions, has stress reduction benefits and makes you feel like part of a community? I also like walking out in nature in the summer and I make the effort to go do some outside winter sports.
Every once in a while I join a gym and do it for a few months but I enjoy their classes more than the workout on equipment. My most enjoyable exercise is when I’m doing something with a friend and its fun. Because I’m having fun I’m not thinking of it as exercise.
On the other hand I know widows that live and breathe for their time at the gym. They are relaxed, in control, fit and happy because they love the community of their gym. In the end it doesn’t matter what form of exercise you do as long as you get out and do something.
Diet – How you cook for one and plan your meals will reflect in how you feel and look. Often widows will have no interest in food and may get dangerously thin. Sometimes, like what happened to me, you don’t like to cook for just yourself and so you eat a lot of junk and takeout food. This has the negative effect of draining your energy plus you will have an unwanted weight gain.
For more help on this issue please go to our webpage – Cooking for One http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/cooking-for-one/
Mentally
Mentally you are at the lowest time of your life and don’t really understand all the emotions or lack of emotions that you are going through. The best thing is to read up on this emotional journey and try to gain some understanding of it.
Some tips from the blog called “Emotional Fatigue” http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/2011/09/14/emotional-fatique/
Relationships - Often after our spouse has died, we go looking for another relationship – one that appears to have everything that the previous one had.
Because this new relationship appears to solve all of your problems, you hold onto it tightly. You may believe that the new partner is the one who is making you happy. But it’s really your own state of mind while dating that either makes you happy or not.
Just be watchful that the new relationship isn’t a “rebound” out of loneness or fear of being alone. To find someone again to share your life with is a blessing but only if you are in the right place of mind. If not you could find yourself in a situation that is more unbearable than being by yourself.
O.K. – here it is, I’m going to talk about sex, that forbidden topic that no one wants to bring up. What do you think of when the word sex is mentioned? Most of us tend to be interested, but scared and we react emotionally.
In reality, a widow often finds the hassle of sexuality the most trying in starting up another relationship. Having a loving husband made having a sexual life easy and comfortable. Just because our husbands are gone doesn’t mean our sexual needs automatically go away.
Most widows are more or less terrified by the thought of dating again, especially if it’s been years and the dating rules have changed. They feel old, unattractive, unsure of themselves and fearful of the unknown. Also, no matter what our age we still hear our parents telling us to be good girls. At this stage we may even find our grown children telling us the same thing.
No wonder dating is confusing and uncertain when you are a widow. I can’t give you any magic words of wisdom on this issue. Everyone has their own moral compass about what is right or wrong. What I do know is that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if it feels right because otherwise you may miss the chance to have another great guy in your life. On the other side it can be easy to get mixed up with the wrong guy, so listen to your heart and be careful but not fearful.
Because this is such a big part of your journey we have two full web pages to help you.
Grief Resources – This web page is full of the best online resource materials – just click on links http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/grief-resources/
Stages of Grief – The professionals explain grief stages plus some thoughts from me. http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/stages-of-grief/
Spiritually
A widow’s spiritually journey is very unique to each widow. For the purpose of providing you with support and strength we are going to talk about the spiritual needs as “faith”.
Being positive is a delusion because it’s not possible without faith in something other than our self. We can’t do it on our own because the negative pull is strong and it’s like swimming against the current. We will tire and weaken from the struggle. But faith gives us the strength to believe that our lives will get better and we will find joy again. Positive emotions will start to rise up and we will be able to hold on to them when we don’t try to do it all on our own.
As you go through your grief process you may notice that churches can be very family oriented. It’s hard to watch other women with their husbands and so you may stop going. But this can cause even more separation and loneliness in your life. Take time to adjust to this new life because it’s also a spiritual journey which reflects our faith. A lot of widows draw strength from their church and it’s bible studies or ladies groups.
Have faith in yourself as well as in a Higher Power. A mask is an image that you project so that others believe that is who you are. But it stops others from really knowing how your feeling and may even keep you from knowing yourself. You may not want to take off your mask because you don’t want others to see the sadness underneath. But when you take that leap of faith you will often experience more closeness with friends and family.
It can be exhausting always wearing that happy face mask. Let people know what you are really feeling instead of always having to appear strong. When your mask gets too heavy have faith in yourself and throw it away. The real you will be out in the open and then you can start rebuilding your life.
It doesn’t have to be a religious thing, but when you’re all alone you need something to hold onto. Because you don’t see God, you have to believe by faith. Sometimes when life kicks you to the curb, faith can be hard to come by. I know God is real because he answers my prayers, although not always the way I thought he would.
God did bring me through it better than I ever thought possible. If I didn’t have faith and God it would have been so much harder to bear. Our husbands are no longer in pain and they are free of this world. I wouldn’t wish Donnie back to the suffering that he would have had to endure. I would love to have him back healthy, but that is not to be. So life moves forward and a different path is taken on my life’s journey.
We have a full webpage devoted to widows who have written in about the death of their spouses and how they handled their grief. Some have faith in something beyond themselves and others struggle with the pain because they have nothing to hold onto.
Widowed – stories from widows about their experience so you know you are not alone. http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/widowed/
To “survive” as per the dictionary means “to live after the death of another person; to continue, endure; to come through alive”.
I think that surviving widowhood is more than just “coming through alive”. It’s a journey where you grow stronger and more independent. You really have no choice because grief wants to take over your life. You will not “come through alive” – in fact you will just be letting the world pass you by.
Do more than “survive” – get to know yourself and come out swinging. Stand up and fight for a life that is full of friends and family. Join groups, volunteer, find your passion and just go do it. Don’t feel bad that you are the one that’s alive – instead be even more alive by seeking out positive people. Be a survivor in more than body – be a survivor in your heart and soul.
Check out the blog article on living a planned life called “Have you planned your life or are you just letting it happen?” http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/2011/08/13/have-you-planned-your-life-or-are-you-just-letting-it-happen/
Another blog about moving forward – “Is It Me?” http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/2011/06/21/is-it-me/
