Going crazy  

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New Member
Joined:5 months  ago
Posts: 1
29/06/2017 3:57 pm  

How did I become a Grandmother and a widow at 44 years old in less than a year.  My husband was a good man but had a demon that controlled him.  He was an addict.  I stood beside him for the past 22 years, 8 rehabs and decided after his last trip he took to rehab that i was taking a stand.  He completed rehab, came home and lived with our middle son and one day never came home. On May 18 he came by the house and Our last words were not pleasant to each other and on May 19th he was gone.  May 20th my nightmares of the past come forefront. He left my sons house at 11:00 a.m. on May 19 and that was the last anyone saw him.  I made a missing person report (so I thought) to the sheriffs department that saturday morning only to have them come to my house to inform he was dead.  My guilt of walking away overwhelms me,  I had to tell our children that their dad died which was always my worst fear.  And as I sit here a month later I still have no answers as to how and why he died.  we are waiting on the autospy results.  My oldest, asked me last night have you thought what was going through dads mind when he died?  Yes i do everyday and every minute....Did he know that I chose the tough love route to help him get right?  Did he know I love him?  Did he know I did not hate him?  Did he k ow I missed him?  Why did I not hug him that night I seen him?  Why did I not say I love you but I hate the addict?  Why did I make the choice of finding what I was missing from him in someone else when I loved Jerry beyond words? I was faithful for 21 years ( but he was not) and I walked away and choose my own wants and needs for the first time ever in my life and he died.  My guilt is so huge and My kids have no clue and I have yet to deal with his passing because I want to believe he has left for rehab again.  I know some will pass judgement and that is fine I am ready for it....Please all opinions are welcome.


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Active Member Admin
Joined:7 years  ago
Posts: 8
30/06/2017 8:23 pm  

Love is a crazy emotion and everyone who has been married understands the ups and downs of married life.  You didn't have it easy and did the best you could at the time - that's all any of us can do.  Don't beat yourself up over the "could haves" and "should haves".   Make peace with it and move forward to create a future that you will be proud of.  Every day is a new day to start over.  Take care of yourself because your worth it.  Mary Francis


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New Member
Joined:10 months  ago
Posts: 2
06/08/2017 9:33 am  

I too, as I'm sure we all do or have lived with the what ifs... that's normal I feel... But you just can't move on if you continue to allow them to take place in your heart and mind. Sadly there is no going back but there is always moving forward and you can do it!

Hugs and love! 

 


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New Member
Joined:10 months  ago
Posts: 2
06/08/2017 9:38 am  

Oh I forgot to add that I am 47 and have 2 one year old Grandsons and one on the way... I praise God he was able to know the first two but am sad he will not know any in the future, at least not on Earth. 

At times I sure feel like we got ripped off! A lot of dreams that will never be for us. 

 


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