Do You Want To Live Alone?

At 65 years old, women are three times as likely as their same-age male counterparts to be widowed. And, in contrast to men, older women were twice as likely to live alone.

Older widows are usually more content to stay single than older widowers.  They are often tired from looking after their late spouse and they see remarriage as having to take care of somebody else.

Devotion to a deceased husband may also keep them single but they still go through various levels of loneliness.  While the severity and time span depends on the individual, living alone can increase their feelings of depression.

One of the reasons why older widows may stay single could simply be that as they get older there are fewer men to date. Getting used to living alone is hard and acceptance is needed to free a widow to live a new life with new interests.

Living alone or with a new love is a personal choice.  The choice you make doesn’t matter so much as to the reasons why.  Make your choice based on what your heart tells you and not on loneliness or need.

14 Responses

  1. Pat Smith
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    I want to endorse what Mary says here.  Many of my friends are widowed and have taken various paths.  Several have married from loneliness — not wanting to be alone — and regretted it quickly.  Much worse than being alone is finding that you made a mistake and even worse, that this person has no real regard for you, but is plopping down to be supported by you.  It's often  financially a problem, a problem for your own children and his/hers, and what you sought is not what this person has to offer.  A very close friend married mainly because her job's retirement income pretty well vanished and she married someone much more financially strong, but then through downturns in investments, he became not much better off than she.  Then he was ill and needed nursing home care and her income had, by law, to be used for his care, depleting her even further.  Honestly, I haven't known this "marry again so I won't have to live alone" to be a very good motive that works out well. 

    • Mary Francis
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      Well said – there is a saying “a nurse with a purse” when it comes to a widow marrying later in life.  On the other hand I know several widows that have remarried and have enjoyed a very happy marriage a second time around.  I think the key question is to why you are getting married again – are you in love or just lonely?  If you like yourself and are comfortable with your own company than you are more apt to marry for love.  First, be happy on your own so you won’t be looking to others to fulfill your needs.  Then if you are very fortunate you will find a second love to be just as great as your first love.   Take care, Mary Francis

  2. MissMaggie
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    Since I am a new widow, 67, I might change my mind down the road. At this point I really want to continue to live alone. Maybe have a male friend but I never was very social anyway so why start now? I have been in relationships , my husband for 31 years, and another for 13 years before him. My feelings right now are I am DONE. Loved my husband dearly I really did. But I just do not want to even consider getting into another relationship. I am enjoying my own company. And the company of my animals. I do not want to have to cook for some one any more or do their laundry or have to be concerned with being home at a certain time or not. This might sound like I am a gat-about. Not so. I have not even left my house in over two weeks. And I am ok with this.

    I also know a couple ladies that got into relationships that are not turning out great for them. They are totally stuck now. I want to just be my own person. I have some lonely times once in awhile but usually I am too busy working around here just living my life to be too lonely. I always was independent and my late hubby fostered this in me. I am going to be ok. I just need to get used to doing things alone.

  3. Diane
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    MissMaggie

    I agree with you with almost everything that you have said…except for one thing…don’t stay in your house for two weeks…unless you are ill. Get out to the library…grocery store…garden shop. Just to talk to someone….anyone..small talk about the weather…etc.

    I have been a widow for 5 1/2 years. (Married to the same guy for 40 yrs.) I have friends that I see once in a while. Have my lovely cat. Read a lot and have been declutting…cleaning my house…yard, etc (in my own time). Retired 9 months ago.

    I know that you are a new widow, but it will take time. Take care of yourself.

    Mary Francis has some excellent suggestions and advice here. This is the best website for widows
    Wishing you the best and please be kind to yourself.

    Diane

    • MissMaggie
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      Right Diane it is better to get out. Except when I wrote that I was snowed in and then some. I have actually been out three times this week and hoping I get to stay home tomorrow. I need a break. LOL Even though I am a new widow I am doing quite well. I have so many projects going on. Things I want to do things I have to do All is good. And many times I do the want to do things first. But who is to tell me no??

      Thank you for your reply.

  4. Rose M Steele
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    This is reassuring. I was worried about being too content on my own. It’s been a year since I became a widow and am reasonably secure and very comfortable being on my own since I have always been very independent. I had hoped to do some traveling but health problems have hindered that. I have traveled quite a bit in the past and don’t feel as if I’m missing anything. What I am wondering is it ok and normal to be so ok with being by myself so much?

    • Mary Francis
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      Hi Rose. Whatever suits you is normal for you. I love my own company but it took some time to get there. ?

      Mary Francis

  5. Chris Pyle
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    WOW Kind of funny this pops up again. So almost 5 years have gone by since my hubby of 31 years died. I am so totally embracing being on my own. I have had a builder here enclosing one side of my front porch for a sun room and it just confirms I do not want another person in my life Even though he is only here a few hours a day I LIVE for the days he is not coming. Thankfully one more week and my room should be done. So excited to move me and my plants into this new space just for me.

    I am not at all lonely. I do have a small dog and 5 kitties. I do still miss my hubby but I am totally loving my single lifestyle. No cooking for some one else sleeping in when I want. Making huge decisions to spend $$$ on this always wanted remodel. Even hubby and I talked about doing this just never got to getting it done. I sold one of hubbies toys I never liked or used and using the $$ to buy myself this sun room space. And it is only 12′ 6 ” by 7’6″ so not a large space.

    Life is great. I look forward to almost every day even if I have to bust my butt working around here to keep up. And to help keep some of the costs down I am doing as much of this build as possible. All painting inside and out. Prepping the space so he could go right to work. Railings down decking cleaned everything out of his way. I like staying as strong and fit as possible. I am so blessed to come this far in my grief.

  6. Florence
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    Fresh widow I am. No idea where to start. Good to read testimonies of others. My culture is so different from what I have read here. I just want to read more and more of the testimonies of others as I gain strength from my loss. However, God has been good to me and my children. I give Him thanks

  7. Chris Pyle
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    Big Hugs Florence. It is so hard at first. I am not going to say it gets better with time. I will say it gets different and we get used to the different. Almost another year has gone by for me and I am still embracing staying single. Still living my mostly hermit like life style. I do get out at ;east once every two weeks to go help my crippled neighbor clean her house.. Not saying this is how we should live being single. I am one of those weirdos that enjoys being alone. Men are certainly not beating down my door. LOL but I am also not putting myself out there either.

  8. Bobbi orthaus
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    I am about to come up on the one year anniversary of my wife. She was so precious. We had a spiritual wedding in 2011 and then since it was legal for two women to get married here in Virginia we had our paper wedding in 2015. So much of what you are saying feel so good and right for me. Before she passed she was actually looking for someone for me to date so I wouldn’t be alone and by myself. I told her I didn’t want anybody else I had family and friends church things to do and our four fur children. I was blessed that she was able to financially set me up before she passed. We sold everything that we had for camping in a camper and including the vehicle that towed our camper. So we had some money and savings that I have taken to remodel a small bathroom into a very calming soaking area. Right now I’m in the middle of my kitchen renovation. I’ve just gotten back from taking care of my parents and being able to attend an uncle’s funeral that I wouldn’t have gotten to if she had still been alive because of caring for her. I went through a really bad depression and wasn’t able to cry until recently. I was blessed that my family accepted our relationship and welcomed her. They also loved her so much. She really was very special and even though there is a physical desire I really don’t want to be with anyone else. It’s just loneliness. So I’ve kept very busy with the renovations and work and started country line dancing again. Also joined pickleball leagues. I have chosen not to go back to square dancing because that’s where we met and I just can’t have anyone else’s a partner or rather I don’t want anyone else’s a partner. It is a new freedom.

  9. Dianne
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    Recently widowed and really concerned about men viewing me as “the nurse with the purse”. I have seen this numerous times in my life. It doesn’t work. I won’t get lonely as much as experience anxiety at night because I live pretty rural. I had a security system put in and I have a large dog. Plus my 96 year old mom lives with me and she is doing wonderfully It will just take getting use to. After Mom passes I will move. But I always read not to make big changes for almost a year. I was married 39 years. I just can’t imagine doing this again at this age. I married late in life and I think I can adapt. Glad to have found you all.

    • Miss Maggie Elizabeth
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      Hi Dianne. Just passed the 7 1/2 year mark of widow hood and still feeling fine with being alone. I totally agree many of us at our late ages are content to just stay alone. I am not lonely. I do still have all my little fur babies so there is rarely a dull moment. Always had lots of fur babies so this is not a new thing since hubby died. In fact we had more when he was still here.

      Funny this just came up today for me and my 84 year old neighbor male. I helped him build a fence for his big dog today and we were talking about being alone. Both of us have the same feelings about it. I think it is nice we can help each other when we can. He is going blind. I had to read the tape measure for him and did a lot of the actual fence building. He said he did not need help when I offered last night but after we got the fence up this afternoon he told me over and over how grateful he was I did help him. A week long project for him alone done in one day with help. But I have no emotional feelings for him any more than he does for me and that is great. I was just happy to be able to help.

      I do still miss my late hubby and I am sure I always will but I am fine on my own. It is just a different lifestyle. Takes lots of getting used to. One is I had to make a huge decision on replacing the windows in my house. The vinyl frames were still good the glass units has failed. It was a $5100.00 decision just to replace the glass units and I agonized over it for several days. And then I had it done. Already I can feel the difference in how much warmer the house is. We all know as we age the cold seems to affect us more. My windows have been bad for several years. It was time to deal with it.

      You take cane and bravo to your Mom It is nice you are not totally alone.

      Chris

  10. martha skamarock
    | Reply

    Hello, I am new here. I lost my husband of 41 years last march 2023. I received information of website from my hospice counselor. She also is trying to get a support group going in my area but so far it is just myself and one other person. I have read some of the replies and I feel relieved to hear many feel okay being alone. I am trying to live my best life now alone but do get lonely and depressed often. I have lived most of my life dealing with anxiety and depression and do not do well with change. I have learned many tools to use to deal with life issues over the years and this helps. I am trying to get out of my comfort zone and be with others but am finding it hard to find something I enjoy. I go to the senior center once weekly and have met some nice people but I would like something more active to do. I enjoy taking dog for walks but I feel I need something else. I have one close friend I see once a year but she is busy with her family. I have a daughter who is my rock and a son but they have their own busy lives. Thanks for giving me a place to express my feelings. I was told to do a daily journal but this seems more helpful.

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