Unfortunately, about two months after you’ve lost your husband your friends kind of forget about it. They dropped over a lasagna or sent flowers. They may even have taken time off work to attend the funeral. They shed genuine tears for you but soon the demands of day-to-day living set in and their life returns to normal. But, not so for you!
This is when you need the most support – right when most of your friends have moved on and are thinking “she will just have to get used to her new life”. Although this is true to a point time has to pass for grief to heal and soften. Partly, it’s because they want to believe you’re feeling better, but they also feel helpless and uncomfortable, unsure how to help someone navigate their grief. “After the ‘I’m so sorry’, and ‘Here’s a casserole’, people just don’t know what to say.
So they say nothing. In the days after a death, there’s a surprising amount to do. But as days become weeks, the activity subsides and the harder times begin. The initial deep shock has started to wear off and there you are just floating along with no idea how to behave any more. You start to wonder if you are boring people, are you being depressing or a downer to be around.
People desperately want to think that you’re OK, maybe so that you’re no longer on their ‘to do’ list to worry about.” Grief can spring out of drawers and cupboards, off shelves, from photographs and music as it clutches at our heart, and send us to the depths loneliness. They think they are being helpful when they urge someone to “Be strong” or exclaim “You look so well!” to a friend who’s grieving in the hope that it might be true.
So you’re always trying to find this balance between wanting the world to know that you are deep in mourning, but not wanting to inconvenience anyone. It’s worse months later when the support of those first few weeks slowly fades away.
So what can they do to support us in the darkness?
Speak the name of the person we have lost. Then give us a chance to talk, cry and even to laugh. Widows don’t get ‘over it’ as if it were a surmountable obstacle. We get more comfortable with our discomfort, but there’s no set time for grief.
Brenda
This is so true. I lost my groom a little over two months ago and have never felt so alone and abandoned…
Linda
It is so true that friends want to believe that you are fine. This makes everything easier for them and they do not have to confront feelings of vulnerability they feel when they are with you.
Michelle
How very true. One of my friends lost her fiancé 3 years ago and she’s been trying to help but has bad health and I feel like I’m bothering her with questions. Even my youngest daughter who adored her step-father (my husband) doesn’t know what to say or do when I start crying. She keeps saying she’s sorry she doesn’t know what to do or say. I tell her there’s nothing she can say or do…I just have to get through it. My friends have even gone so far as to try and get me involved with outside interests but it’s so hard. I do try and I am involved with our local theater group but I didn’t think this would be so hard. I used to do it 30 years ago but now it seems different somehow and he’s been gone 18 months tomorrow. Why do things seem different when you’re a widow instead of a divorcee?
Mary Francis
Michelle – I’m often asked about the differences between being a widow and being a divorcee. In some ways it’s a odd thing to compare but here are some things that I’ve found from being a widow.
The world has a kinder view towards widows than divorcee. I guess because we have no control over becoming a widow but may have contributed to being a divorcee (not sure that is fair but it is what it is).
As a widow you may be financial better off than a divorcee because the estate didn’t have to be split up.
As a widow you never have to see your husband walk down the street with someone else.
As a widow you still want your husband, love him and miss him. That, I my opinion is the biggest difference between being a widow and being a divorcee.
Hope this helps but again it’s just my thoughts on it. Take care, Mary Francis
Michelle
In my case of divorce my ex cheated on me for over 10 years (I was so dumb to not walk away sooner). Financially I walked away from everything for peace of mind. We worked at the same company so I saw him frequently. We had children together so at Christmas we would be together at our son’s home. It didn’t bother me to see him with her. She was an alcoholic so I figured his Karma would come back to him. Unfortunately she got cancer and passed 4 years before John passed. We are friends now and surprisingly he’s very supportive as well. I ask myself where was this years before we divorce lol
Deborah
I am experiencing the same feelings.
Lost my husband 4 months ago.
Now no one seems to call anymore and we had no children.
I always feel somehow when I call people they want to avoid the subject so I
just chat and then hang up. Some days are so dark I just don’t know how
I will make it through. It is not unusual for me to go for days without
communicating with anyone. I have an older brother who calls twice a month
to talk but never asks how “I” am. I have not seen his wife since the funeral
service and even then it seemed as if everyone there came to have a family
reunion and not really to be there for me. I have not heard a word from any
of my nephews, nieces or other brother. The one real friend I have is now in
CA for the winter and won’t be back until May. My husband had been ill for several
years and I was his sole care giver which gave me little time to socialize. Now
I’m trying to figure out how to get out and meet new people. The few I have met so
far are still married, have children and very busy with their own lives.
I have always been independent (not by choice) and through the years I have
gone through the loss of most all my family, but the loss of my husband has been
harder than I could have ever imagined. This loss is so different. I’ve lost half
of myself and now I’m trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in with the
rest of my life. My whole identity was caring for him and keeping him alive as long as
I could. We were married for 36 years. Life is cruel. He was all I had.
I just keep praying that the answers will come.
Mary Francis
Hi Deborah Sorry about the loss of your husband. It’s hard to get into a social life after you are a long term care giver. I commend you for taking care of your husband for so long. But now it’s your time and you need to grief but still heal. Keep reading all the supportive material you can find on being positive. Only you can take control of where you want to go from here. You are valued and have a lot to offer the world.
Take care, Mary Francis
Deborah
Mary Francis, thank you for your kind words.
As the sun rises on a brighter new day, I know in my heart my husband would want me to pick up the baton and carry on with the business of life. That’s the way he was. He served in the Military for 10 years.
His courage, patience and determination during his many years of illness was an inspiration that taught me many times over, what unconditional love truly means. He was my hero by example and will always be the love of my life.
There are a few groups here locally which offer grief counseling but I don’t know
if I’m ready for that yet. With One Step and One Day at a time, I hope to get there.
Thank you for this website.
Nancyann
This is to Deborah who wrote Dec. 2, 2016. Deborah, my husband died after an extended battle with lung cancer in Aug. 2020. We were married for 38 years, no children, and I was the sole caregiver. His death occurred during the covid pandemic, we could not have a funeral, it was terribly lonely. His only sister and family live 900 miles away and they were not close so his death has not affected her in any way. I’ve experienced exactly what you describe, only a handful of friends keep in touch, everyone else has abandoned me. I hope life has become a little easier for you. I am with you in spirit. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Karen Rumelt
This is to Nancyann and Deborah, I became a widow in May, 2021. My S.O. of 30 years died after a 6 week battle from cancer. We, like you, had no children. Because he was such a private person, I haven’t many contacts and my family just does not get “it”. It’s very lonely and I haven’t a clue how to meet other people to be able to make friends.
Debbie
Hi Karen i lost my husband 1 day short of 3 months of cruel lung cancer 9/19 6 months later covid hit and lockdown even crueller only 6 months after the loss, had no support due to covid
Was so hard, we did everything together my husband always said its just you and me Deb but now i am alone and i am too trying to see where i can meet friends,start a new life that i dont want to, it is so very lonely now and others who have not been thru a spouse loss just do not get it or want to, looked at meet up but then hesitate
Not sure if i want to join, you can start a group snd thought maybe start my own widow support group
Meet others who understand what we are going thru, know your not alone, i feel the same
Cindy
Debbie, when you mentioned that your husband said, “It’s just you and me Deb”, that really poked my heart. My husband passed almost five months ago. We were together for forty years, high-school sweethearts. We were a private couple, didn’t venture out too much socially. I find this article interesting because I also noticed the drop-off of support – business as usual for everyone and here I am. Recently, I had an epiphany and realized that he wasn’t coming back and I have to go forward and live my life. It is so different. I don’t like it but I don’t have a choice. I would never want my dear husband to have to suffer through this. I know that I’m handling it better. He was so tender-hearted and I will carry the grief. I’m not looking for another life partner but it would be nice to have a social thing, some people to talk to. I guess that’s what this is. I’ve told several people about the Sisterhood. It’s my go-to when I need to understand this uncharted territory that is very strange. I’m trying to stay positive about my future. It’s kind of exciting on one hand and absolutely horrifying on the other. I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to convey.
Deborah Havkley
Cindy, as i started to read your comment i so broke into tears as i knew someone understood what i was going thru and going thru the same thing, very comforting and if now i could only find an in person contact like that, someone to go for coffee or lunch share some laughs, miss not going to breakfast as i often did with my husband, i have good days and then those long stuck inside winter blues, seeing some hope w Spring and clocks going ahead soon, one thing my husband was obsessed w was music some of his music i loved others not so much, but i do now see why he did, i have made it a point to keep music on snd it can be calming and uplifting depending on group, did have lunch yesterday w a former retired coworker
and we talked had lunch and laughed!! I am planning on sunday to see another former coworker for lunch, i have a small group of wonderful former coworkers that thru my hudbands losd have given me so much support
and i sm so grateful yo them, others as i spokr of faded away, i say never were true friends and dont
Need them , i have 2 sisters 1 lost husband year before mine and we have really gotten closer for it the other sister drifting away as she is alwsys negative snd no understanding my loss, i need positive wherever i can get it, not negative people, thank you for responding it meant alot, stay positive if you can! Debbie
tammy
Deborah it is now 2022 so i hope you are now big OK instead of little ok. I am yet to be little ok I lost my husband of 33yrs dec 2020 I read what you wrote and you spoke the truth about how it feels. I lost the best part of me. We lived and worked together everyday even before we were married. I try everyday to not be afraid of my own shadow, most days I fail, but Im still trying. Everyone that was in our lives before his leaving have gone away (we had no children and both our sets of parents had left yrs before) I go weeks at a time without speaking to a human, then I go to the store (about every 2 ta 3 wks) and talk to everyone. I just want to say Thank You for your words, you helped me know Im not the only one that has the dark sad crushed feeling of grief. Again thank you and I do hope your heart n soul are better.
Helena
I loss my husband of 50 years at the end of January 2022, I am feeling totally alone, we didn’t have children and my older sisters don’t “get it” , where can I find people who understands this painful grieving journey?
Mary Francis
Go to Facebook and do a search for “The Sisterhood Of Widows – Private Group for Widows” and request to “Join”.
It is a private community of over 10,000 widows worldwide that support and encourage each other.
Sorry for your loss.
Mary Francis
Brandy Stopinsek
Hi Mary – I just came across this site while searching Google to answer my question “how do i explain to my friends that being single and being a widow are not the same thing? ” … I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly in April of this year… he left for the store and never came home… he was taken in an accident literally 5 blocks from our home. I have the lovely pleasure of driving by his accident scene every time I leave my home (we chose not to memorialize the intersection its hard enough without that distraction), also my son and I drove up on the scene shortly after it happened… ( I am moving as soon as our son graduates HS)… I am looking for a safe space to share how I am feeling and to connect with others that may be going through this journey of sudden loss … my friends and coworkers that I adore are quickly annoying me… they can’t understand I can’t just snap out of this I will never be the “old Brandy” again I don’t even know who she is…I just know that is is mindnumbing to me to have to explain to them that being single and being a widow are not the same and never have them hear what I am saying every time… the people who I thought I could speak freely with before are quickly becoming judge and jury…
Cindy Shepherd
I’m so sorry Brandy for your loss. As Mary Francis mentioned above, join that Facebook group, even if you don’t do Facebook. It’s private. You can start an account just to access this forum of women who are going through the same thing. I have gained an understanding of the struggles that we have to face everyday. People don’t really understand the pain and how our whole world is in an upheaval. These women get it. As someone recently said, “It’s the group that nobody wants to join” lol. I know that if I’m struggling or trying to sort out feelings or frustrations, my sisters are always there to help.
Karla
Hi I have a question about joining the Facebook private group. Do I have to have an actual Facebook account?
Thank you
Cindy Shepherd
Yes, you would have to create an account to be in the Facebook group. It’s super quick to set up. You then search for the group and request to join. It’s a private, women-only group. You have to answer a few questions and then you wait to be approved.
Mary Francis
Hi Karla – You need to have a Facebook page that is at least three months old, be a widow (ladies only group) and have a profile picture on it. You can do a Facebook search for “The Sisterhood of Widows – Private Group for Widows” and click on “Request to Join”. Please make sure you answer ALL the security questions and agree to follow the rules. Group rules are strictly enforced for privacy and safety. Currently there are approx. 13,000 widows from around the world. Not all that request to join get accepted because we work hard to keep out men, scammers and business.
Mary Francis, The Sisterhood of Widows
Rita
Hi lovely people my husband died 5 years ago I met him at 15 and married at 20 we were married for 48 years but sadly life long friends don’t seem to realise how lonely and different your life is l have joined lots of clubs and keep busy all the time but do feel very sad that such close friends have abandoned me to my own devices I’m sure they have no idea of how I feel but one day they might it’s a hard journey starting again but I will do it ?
Mary Macerelli
Hi Rita, I loved hearing the determination of your last sentence! I feel the same. I’m a widow of 6 yrs and have experienced what many have mentioned about people’s negative reactions including family members!
Right now I’m getting used to living alone and enjoying it sometimes, still have periods of sharp loneliness, but not as often and I’m starting to branch out socially by joining a local senior’s group and actually looking forward to it.
My grief is much softer now and I hope yours is too. You sound like a spunky Lady and by the Grace of God we will make it . Moving forward expectantly into a new and different life. God Bless you on your way ?
Cass
Well I reached out and even re-Friended an old high school friend while she was married and on her own trajectory and not aware or even cared what was going on in my single life. But now I find that after losing her husband she seems to think we are lacking empathy for her. If she was still married she wouldn’t care about what’s going on in MY life