I understand your pain, but I also know that despite unimaginable suffering, others have found their way back to happiness and we can too.
Buddhist monks developed a quality known as “loving kindness”. We may think that this means thinking of others but the opposite is true. Start by caring for yourself by silently repeating meditative phrases that start with “May I …” Examples:
“May I be happy – May I enjoy life – May I be healthy”
This may seem strange and fake, but if you continue this simple practice you should begin to feel peace within yourself.
This unconditional love will gradually mend those hurts, caused by others, that you thought would never heal. To lose the capacity to love and forgive is the only real thing that can destroy our ability to be happy.
Real forgiveness must honor and protect those that have hurt us. A truly forgiving person is someone who experiences all the sadness and anger and yet still acts with fairness and compassion.
Please don’t let the high stress of grieving steal the forgiveness you have to give. Those that have hurt you, whether in error or by design are not worth the stress, and it will use up what little energy you have. Instead focus on loving kindness, and use your energy to heal your broken heart.