After the death of a loved one, life is forever changed. The Saturday movie night that you enjoyed with special friends is gone. You are now a single in a couple’s world. In the worst-case scenario, you could even be seen as a threat. There is nothing worse than having to leave a gathering of friends to go home alone to an empty house.
Most of us have experienced this feeling, understandably, because we are now single again, and the rest of our friends are still paired off as couples. Of course, friends will be kind and will try to include you in their activities, but the experience will not be the same.
Now that you are single again, the combination of old friends and good memories of other times makes, at times, for an empty feeling. It’s no wonder that sometimes we do feel uneasy in such circumstances. However, after a time you will, as I did, be able to share your wonderful memories with your new friends. We all have stories to tell, and it is good for us to share them.
Sheila Bull
Well I call where I am ‘being in widow city’ as opposed to all those who are in ‘couple city’.
Ive been widowed nearly 9 years and still live alone because Ive not met a new partner and I hate seeing all those couples! Its every where you go you get reminded you are on your own and maybe I am ‘not wanted’. I hate where I am. I do my best with internet dating but dates are very sporadic.
Many social activities are couple orientated so single people get ‘left out’. Or at least feel ‘left out’. Being on my own is wearing me down. It certainly reduces the type and number of activities you can do because you havent got a partner. It hurts me to the core. Theres nothing you can do about this!
Mary Francis
Dear Sheila – The problem is that you are trying to fit a square (being part of a couple) into a circle (being single) and it isn’t a fit. You will have to focus more on social activites that are not couple orientated so that you don’t get left out. I agree it is hurtful and there are some things that couples do that you can’t do, but it opens the door to other activities to experience. There is nothing you can do about “couple” stuff, but there is lots you can do about “single” stuff with other ladies in your area. Either that, or you go it alone and that isn’t as much fun. Take care, Mary Francis
Karen
I am struggling with the same issue. I have been a widow for 1 1/2 years. I quickly realized I no longer fit in the couples scene. Either I’m excluded or I attend, only to feel lonely because I’m flying solo. I’m not ready to date yet. I now realize it’s more important to learn to feel comfortable alone. I also am trying to forge more friendships with other ladies.
Mary Francis
Hi Karen – You have the right idea. It’s important to forge more friendships with other ladies as it is what keeps us going. Take care, Mary Francis
Morgan
I have been a widow for 5 years, am 55 and was introduced to 1 person through my best friend. I dated him for 2 years. I am ready to date again but realized the main problem is that I do not have 1 single friend, they are all married. At my age, I have absolutely no idea of how to meet someone. I work out of the home and really need to find ways to get out. I have always had the mindset: you can always do what you want, never give up, etc. For the first time ever, I have met my biggest challenge. I have never had a problem meeting friends through my lifetime, but at this age, it is much different. I take really good care of myself but have not a clue of how to meet people that are single. I want to start going to group things of my interest, but am scared. As far as on-line dating, that is my biggest fear…….I want to meet someone but I hear scary stories all of the time. What are some tips of how to meet people, I am ready to date again.
Mary Francis
Hi Morgan – It’s natural to be scared when you go out of your comfort zone. I know ladies that have been successful in online dating and some that have not been happy with it. You will not know unless you give it a try.
I have a 40 page Guide on Dating and Remarriage that is full of advice, tips and support. It is available as a download on my website and there is also a free sample of the Guide that you can read. https://sisterhoodofwidows.com/product/dating-guide-for-widows/
To meet people there is one main tip – you have to go where people are. Join groups of shared interests or to learn something new. Even if you don’t find that new love you will be enjoying life and meeting some new friends. Good luck as you join the dating world. Mary Francis
Lynnette
I have been a widow now for six years. My children have moved out and I went from a full house to an empty one. My husband was a jealous man and did not like me socializing without him. I thought I had a wonderful group of friends/neighbors and things would go on without him. We were six now we’d be a group of five. Who knew “it’s a couples thing” would become the most painful phrase in my life. I don’t really care one way or another about finding someone else. But apparently without someone beside me, my neighbors no longer include me. This is my biggest hurtle. Watching them have fun and move on without me is devastating. I can’t seem to accept being excluded. I feel like I was pushed into his grave and buried alive. I’d rather feel awkward than left out.
Mary Francis
Dear Lynnette – Sadly what is happening to you is way too common and is very hurtful. It helps to connect with other widows that understand the journey. If you want there is a closed Facebook Group just for widows were they honestly share their feelings and support each other. Go to Facebook search bar and type in “The Sisterhood of Widows – Closed Group for Widows” and request to join. Then answer the two security questions – Are you a widow? When did he die? This group has been very helpful to widows that are feeling excluded or lost in their emotions. Take care, Mary Francis
Mikaela Mace
I’ve been a widow for about a week now. We where three weeks away from getting married. His death was so sudden. I can’t go home. I feel like I have no purpose right now. Everyone keeps telling me about when their grandparents died. It’s not the same. I feel bad for anyone who is around me right now. It is nice to know there are people out there that are going through thre same thing as me. I wanted to know if it was normal to have a pain in my chest. It started when I found out that he was gone. I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I’m reaching out because I need something to do, and this feels more productive then watching tv.
Mary Francis
Dear Mikaela. I’m sorry for your loss and you are right that everyone grieves their own way for their loved ones. You may find comfort in the closed Facebook page “The Sisterhood of Widows – Closed Group for Widows” as the ladies there share their stories and support each other. You need to request to join and answer two security questions. Keep reaching out to others and talking so that you can get support from those around you. Take care, Mary Francis
Dee Wind
My husband died in June 2021. I miss him so very much and we had 54 wonderful years together. I have never lived by myself — never. We were married and then graduated from college together. All our friends were couples. Now I find myself alone. I can keep active in the daytime with exercise and shopping. But the evenings are super lonely. Noone visits. Did our friends only like my husband and not me? Or perhaps they are not friends. We were members of our local yacht club but I find I dont enjoy it anymore. I dont even want to play dominos with “friends.” Nothing is the same. I am so lonely.
Mary Francis
I’m sorry Dee for the loss of your loved one.
Sadly friends don’t know what to do with us. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, but the truth is things have changed for you and that has created a change in all your old relationships.
Please reach out to them and give them a chance. Don’t wait for them to do the calling – they just don’t know what to do or what you want.
You have to tell them and if they still don’t make an effort – then I see new friends in your future.
Mary Francis
Laura Lee
I am slowly doing more with my single friends or women friends who like to do things with girl friends. It’s a change of mindset to be “single” after 40 plus years. I have found an audible book on “anxiety” where I can learn more how to deal with my frustration of this season of life.