As a widow you need to tell the truth about your emotions and you have to allow yourself to feel your grief.
No matter how painful it may be, the first and best way to grieve is to allow yourself to fully feel it.
Your pain isn’t going away just because you deny it exists. Allow yourself to cry, to yell, to throw things, be angry or scared. Realize that it’s normal to have all these feelings. It’s also normal to be afraid of life alone or to be afraid about your future.
Don’t be surprised if you think or do “crazy” and impulsive things after your spouse dies. Some widows also have hallucinations or other “super natural” experiences when grieving.
When you have a hard time coming to grips with your feelings, talk about it. You need to talk with someone who is comfortable with your doing your grieving in any way you want, as often as you feel the need and as long as you need to.