Letting Anger Go

When grieving we may hold unto anger about what someone did or didn’t do.  Letting anger go is important to not only our healthy healing, but also to our grieving.

We need to learn how to stop the negative replay from looping over and over in your head.  It’s a great tragedy of human behavior when widows can’t stop thinking about an event that happened weeks, months and sometimes years ago.

It’s a loss of peace and energy because we get trapped, and are held as a prisoner in our past.  Maybe, that’s you, holding on to what has happened in the past.  But for what purpose?  Does it make you feel right or valideated?  Do you feel that letting it go is saying that it didn’t matter?

My husband, Donnie, died of lung cancer and at the time of his death he was smoking almost two packs a day and was on two different proffers to help him breath.  I guestioned myself as to whether I should have been able to get Donnie to quit.  Did I do enough?  I was also very angry at him because his smoking caused his death and made me a widow.

In time I learned that nobody can pressure anyone to do what they are not willing to do.  Let’s face it, Donnie knew he shouldn’t smoke.  I was his wife, not his doctor and so no scolding, no lectures and no amount of anger changed his smoking habit.  What it did do, was make me a very angry, picky wife and stoled peace/love from the time we did have together.

I don’t want to make that mistake again, and so I am very careful not to hold onto anger, resentmen or feelings of pity.  The baggage of all those negative feelings is just too heavy to care around.

It’s time to let it go, time to live life more fully.

 

9 Responses

  1. Dionne Smith
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    Yes I have anger built up but I just try to keep it hidden. not from the passing of my husband but its alot of things..My husband passed away February 7,2021 with COVID-19 and our lives changed forever.. I was with him when he took his last breath and told him how much I loved him and was so glad that God didn’t let him suffer and I didn’t have to make the decision to take him off life support..Im angry with how people think you should get over it and how they say you are young enough to find you someone else…I dont want to hear that nor do I want to entertain that…My main focus is to let God move and work on me to be able to provide for our minor child, She os a daddy’s girl which make being here for her 10 harder…I have her in counseling and I’m currently seeking on for myself…My husband and I were like glue you rarley saw 1 without the other… Everything has changed when I do muster up the strength to be around family and friends I feel like I dont belong and everyone is afraid to speak to me for fear of me crying and feeling lke as outcast..We have s food truck business and it was our dream to just operate that and get ready to start living for us after we got our children raised. it was so hard to open up the first time so many feeling of emotions and pain but God got me through like he jas since the very beginning… Through this entire process I have gained more faith than I ever had in my life,I have prayed more started attending Sunday school,bible study and church faithfully and I can honestly tell you that I feel the presence of God and God has allowed me to feel my angel around me daily…I cant explain it to others of how I get through with these signs like the day my husband passed away when I got home it was raining so hard that there ws no reason for our flag to be blowing and out of nowhere it stood to attention and as if he were speaking to me Im still here and everything is going to be okay…in the hospital he would always tell me to stop crying and give me a thumbs up telling me everything is going to be okay and my mother in love got me a keychain with his tumbs up on it and helps me through rough days and I have been finding whit feathers through out the house and sometimes in public and gives me signs…this last may seem far fetched but the story of picking up pennies of the ground is a sign or angels are sending love and blessings I have picked up so many blessings and a few dollars as well and I dont know if any one believes in these thing or not but I truly do and God has his hand in my entire day from opening my eyes till closing them at night…These days to say the least are still painful and filled with tesrs…I just had a rough night due to a thunderstorm I hate them especially when I know that he can’t sit and rub my feet and tell me its not going to do anything to you its just thunder scary cat….and would kust continue to hold me any way…I never imagined my life without him only with him♥️ My husband was the biggest fighter I knew he had souch going on in the inside such a high BP, diabetes, neuropathy, kidney disease, dialysis and and on 9/11/20 we got the greatest blessing for a kidney and he came through with flying colors and we named his kidney blessence and was looking forward to a bright future ahead of us… November he just had purchased us a lifetime home and got all moved in and then January we were hit with COVID-19 and our life that we planned had a different outlook…..God called our anfel home February 7,2021 @2:26 am and our lives were changed forever..Im still struggling on what to do next but I’m trusting and believing that God has great plans that we can not see….Thank you for this group 🙌

  2. Barb Cofer
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    Sorry 😞for your loss. Grief is very personal and time takes time ⏲️ for me too. My daughter ❤is grieving the loss of her husband the Anniversary is this month. My spouse died about 8 months ago. So she called it Grief week for her. It is upsetting 😡when people give you unsolicited advice. Take care.

  3. Corina Estevane
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    Sorry for your loss. COVID-19 has taken the dream of many families. It is so difficult to accept that the love of your life is gone and  all the plans you once made for the future will never become a reality.  Like your husband, My husband had many underlining health conditions and although he was also a fighter, he lost his battle to COViD-19 in less than a month. Needless to say, it was a rude and painful awakening.

    It has been approximately 7 months since my husband passed away. However, I still can not believe my beloved husband is not coming back. Fortunately for me, God is the one thing that has kept me at float. I have to thank my heavenly father because he has blessed me with two wonderful children who love me and have supported  me during these difficult times. 

  4. Valencia Smith
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    Valencia Smith….My husband passed away December 28, 2020 from COVID-19 at the age of 55. My husband had heart failure and kidney disease from smoking and drinking. My life has forever changed. My husband and I were together 42 years and married 33 years. We had 6 children together. My husband and I were 12 years old when we met. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t sleep most nights because that was the time we would talk. We were stuck together like glue. if you seen me you saw my husband. Even when we had family gatherings our family and friends would say I see Valencia so I know Gabe is somewhere near. When we were in high school our friends would say here comes Luke and Laura from the soaps. Lately I have learned to not be so angry. I don’t engage in gossip and I stay away from any and all negativity. My children are so supportive. We call each other every day to check our mental status. I talk to God every day to give me and my family strength because I know he has a plan for our life.

    • Mary Francis
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      I’m sorry Valencia for your loss. My husband died at 53 and like your husband at 55 way too young to be gone.

      Your broken heart needs to grieve and slowly learn how to travel this path without him.

      I’m glad that you have God and family to draw your strength from.

      Take care, Mary Francis

  5. Sharon Barker
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    My husband was an I and me person. He was always right about everything. Married 36 years this really started to get my attention the last ten years of our marriage especially with his illnesses through these years and I being his caregiver. He had a hard time with bladder and bowel cancer. The last year of his illness was the hardest. It was like he was always mad at me. I took care of him completely everyday and even nursed his open womb from his surgery. Fourteen inches long and the last section was open and needed cleaned and packed everyday. Long story short, when there was nothing else they could do for him he wanted to be at home. Our large family(26) came and stayed with us for one week until he passed taking turns. He would not let me give him the medicine that hospice put him on. Our 36 anniversary was two days before he died and he had one of our children to buy me a card. I did the same for him. I thanked him for it and kissed him on the forehead. I gave him his and he said, where did you get that. He read it and tossed it aside. He talked to everyone else but me. I sang for him on his last two days gospel songs. No response. He never told me goodbye. He never said take care of yourself although he did tell our children to take care of me. He never said I love you. His last words to me were, you say some of the dumbest, stupid things I’ve ever heard right in front of everyone. Broke my heart. He talked just fine to everyone else. Now, one and a half years later I’m haunted by all this. I live in our home still and every room has a bad memory. I’ve tried forgiveness, positive thoughts of good times, etc. and it just keeps coming back day after day. His regular hospice nurse said I should become a nurses aid because I was had so much compassion with him. I don’t know how else to release myself from this but I know I have to some how. Appreciate comments. Thank you!

    • Mary Francis
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      Dear Sharon. I’m sorry for all that you have gone through. Being a caregiver takes a special kind of person because illness changes the relationship.

      It will help to talk it out in counselling. The relationship was under a lot of stress as you went from husband and wife to patient and caregiver.

      It’s time now for you – please understand that life is out there waiting for you. Go and enjoy

      Mary Francis

  6. Sharon Barker
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    Thank you for your help Mary Francis!

    • Carol Heaton
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      Sharon, I can relate to your post as my husband died of complications related to COPD. Dx’d 6 yrs ago, although prob had prior to that. I am a new widow, he passed a little over a month ago. The past 2 yrs were rough on him and I didn’t stay home as much as I feel I should have..beating myself up about that.. I did try to fix meals or buy food he requested most of the time.. hugged him and kissed him as he could tolerate .. my bottom line is that we loved each other.. both flawed humans..I did get to bring him home from the hospital.. 1st time he’d been in there to speak of in the 6 yrs after dx’d.. just in time to pass away the next morning.. I had given him the meds Hospice had left..

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