Level of Awareness

When you start to heal you will reach a level of awareness where you realize that you are not stuck, and that a healing process has begun within you.  You take action and start moving forward according to what you want from your life.

Widows who are grieving are rarely helped by unsolicited advice.  Real solutions to our grief have to come from within.

How open are you to your future?  I have listened to many widows tell their stories of problems, obstacles, loneliness and frustration.  The difficulties of facing each new challenge is often overlooked.  Widows cope as best as they can with fear, anger, mood swings and doubt, but grief has a way of holding us down.

The first step is to critically break down a problem until you reach a solution.  Be aware of how our feelings may affect the solution.  We spend a long time fighting our feelings and hiding our grief out of fear that we will be judged negatively.

Feelings of numbness and depression can make life seem to stop.  Your life at this moment is an entangled process as your heart tries to heal.  Yet over our lifetime the key to our well-being is our awareness and our coping skills.   With strong coping skills widows are resilient in the face of their spouse’s death.

Do you feel that you used to be resilient, but now you just can’t bounce back?  The simple but also hard truth is that happiness is built by making your day “happy”.  No one can foresee the future, but by believing that your day will have some happiness, you will find that opportunities will unfold to bring it about.

Before that can happen you need to write out the ten things that make you feel hopeless, followed by the realistic steps you can take to avoid those outcomes.  Awareness can also come from other widows who have gotten out of their dark place and have learned from them.

I believe that we don’t ask enough in life.  Our purpose in life is to quit asking for so little.  You are at a time in your life where you should start planting your seeds of dreams and desires.  Take some small positive steps every day – don’t over think this as good enough is good enough.  Most of the resistance we encounter is old habits of procrastination, wishful thinking that somehow our problems will solve themselves.

First thing in the morning write down what you are going to do that day.  Make sure it includes at least one thing you have been putting off.  Everything on the list should make you feel good when they are done and you can check them off.

9 Responses

  1. litprof4
    | Reply

    Very helpful and thank you, Mary. I am going to write down each down something that I have been putting off, doing it, checking it off my list.

  2. Carol
    | Reply

    Thanks for this. I appreciate concrete suggestions.

  3. Denise Leach
    | Reply

    Thank you so much. I find these so helpful. After 9 yrs and my 21 yr car and husband’s 17 yr old car I took the balance of the wrongful death law suit money and traded both cars in on one new one. It was so very hard to let his go and I did cry as dealership drove it away. I was tired of switching them up each month and having to hot shot one as I don’t drive often since working from home. I felt so guilty about the new expensive car. Friends were very supportive saying how I do nothing for myself and don’t go anyplace since his death and I deserve it. I’m glad I did it now as it’s yet another step to my recovery. And as his favorite group was on the radio on my first drive in the new car it was like he was sitting in the passengers seat next to me saying. Good move baby I’m proud of you! Ironically it was a factory order due in August and was expedited and came in on mayc19, theb9th anniversary of his death.

  4. C A M
    | Reply

    You explain where I am at the 9 year mark. Thank you.

  5. Marilyn S Watson
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing this wisdom with us, Mary Frances!! I love directions I can follow!!

  6. Lauren Mirkin
    | Reply

    Thank you for such an insightful, helpful and understanding post!

  7. Deborah Usry
    | Reply

    This helps me understand how I am stuck in some places, and moving forward with a smile in others. It reminds me that I can be grieving, enjoying life, and struggling all at the same time.

  8. Michele
    | Reply

    Love the car story Denise. Good for you!

  9. Carol
    | Reply

    Hello Denise,
    I just stumbled upon your car story, as I have been dwelling on what to do with the two cars I’m juggling for two years, since my husband’s passing two years ago. People ask what my plans are with two cars. Besides wanting to reply, “none of your beeswax”, I just say, I need one car for food shopping and to accommodate the 2 grandbabies car seats when they visit (although for two years, covid has thwarted family visits to Florida). I follow it with, I need my “toy” car which after working so hard all our lives, we felt we deserved as a gift to ourselves before we leave this earth. Of course, the guilt sets in every time, when I realize that I need to make frugal decisions that will help to alleviate some of the new economic realities that I am now confronted with, as a widow.

    So just before getting on this site, I offered the practical car to my son and his family to use as a 2nd family vehicle, as long as they need and want to, to help make their lives a little bit easier with daily living activities (work, school, etc.). Realizing that I may get to a point in the future, where I may no longer be able to manage the more powerful “toy” car, my thoughts are, that at a later point in time, I can trade the two cars in for an electric vehicle, where we are trending towards today. Although the proposal is under consideration, it did feel good to be able to come up with a potential solution for a difficult choice, that I never anticipated I would need to make, had I not lost my Angel of almost 46 years. Thank you for sharing your story…

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