A widow asked me: I lost my spouse last year and I still feel unbalanced. When will I start to feel better?
Everyone is different but there are some factors that might contribute to how long it takes:
- The trauma associated with their death
- Any unresolved issues
- Support from family and friends
- How social you are
- Your willingness to deal with your grief and not avoid it
Bereavement is a process and you need tools to work your way through your grief. Reaching out to others is the first step towards dealing with your grief and healing.
Trying to force yourself to “get over it” quickly may just set you up to fail. You need patience as you go through your grief and move towards healing. The average length of time to feel better can be up to three years. However, it’s also common to feel better for a while but then something will trigger your feelings of intense grief all over again.
Some people never really feel better. They don’t know how to adjust to life without their loved one and they remain lost without any joy in their lives. Sometimes this turns to depression and unless they get professional help they are stuck. This may even lead to suicidal feelings because they get tired of being tired and just want to give up.
The tricky part is engaging actively in your recovery process, starting to map out a path for your new life and yet still taking time to grieve. Slowly we learn to remember how good it is to laugh at the parts of our life that we shared with our loved one. There is no predictable timeline as the changes are coming from within you. Don’t be surprised that when you start enjoying life again you have conflicting emotions about being happy – that’s normal.
The key to getting better is to pay attention to how you respond to the loss of your loved one. For myself I have always been amazed at the beauty of nature. There is something almost magical about a peaceful walk in the sunshine or sitting quietly on a bench looking at the ever changing ocean. Accept the loss, grieve at your own pace but also be active in your own healing.
Sharing your emotional pain with supportive friends, family and community will help you to move through your grief and start feeling alive again. If you feel stuck then reach out and get some professional advice. It may only take a professional a session or two to help you understand that grieving is natural and need to have its time.
Some of us are more private and don’t like to talk about our feelings. In that case other reliable ways to process grief are to volunteer, exercise or take up a hobby. It’s usual best to start with something you have already done because your mind is a bit foggy for the first few months. However, after a while new activities will beckon you and you will start enjoying life again.
To Our Shared Journey,
Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®
Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator,
Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT)
Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”
Linda Jopling
Getting active was so powerful for me. I had somewhere to be, and I had people to be assisting as a volunteer. It wasn’t always easy, but it kept me out of my head. I began to find joy outside of myself, which ultimately became part of me as well. Do I still grieve at two years out from the loss of the love of my life, of course I do. However, the most powerful piece is that somewhere along the way I began to recall beautiful memories and feel gratitude for the time I had with my man. So much more enjoyable!
Sharon G.
After my husband died last January, his family cut off all communication. It was as if he died twice. I missed them so much. But, unanswered phone calls and texts and promises never kept made me realize they didn’t want to talk to me or see me. I continued to reach out, but it was not reciprocated. I finally gave up. I’ve moved on! It’s been the best decision I ever made! I have my friends, my family, and other interests to help me on my journey. I still love and miss my husband and always will. Life is good and much better without his family melodramas in my life!
Linda
I enjoy your posts very much, they seem to be appropriate for me ..18 month in now. Thank you. X
Rosemarie Zakrzewski
Eileen and MrsM, I am truly sorry for your loss and also feel the same, similar circumstances. I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 7 months ago and break down everyday. He was so sick and know he needed to pass but life has changed so much. I recently volunteered at our senior center, joined a knitter’s group and will be taking a trip with my sister. I know I need to go on but it is so lonely still. Know I am thinking of you both.
MrsM
Thank you for your blog and other information. I am dealing with heavy grief after I lost my husband and best friend of 41 years very suddenly 10 months ago.
Eileen M Cook-Yemmo
I lost my dear Husband a little over 3 months ago. In some ways I am still in shock. I have few friends and no family. I spent the last years taking care of my husband. I am still in heavy grief and loneliness. Eileen
MrsM
Eileen, I feel the same – in shock. I have no family support, either. I did not get to say good-bye because it was so sudden (cardiac). I have a grief counselor and recommend it to others. This is one-on-one, and not a group.