We need to connect with family and friends so we can take in the support and encouragement we need. No matter how large a widow’s circle of friends, it often undergoes a sort of weeding out. Leaving only those that are most important to them.
Whether it’s intentional or not, focus is on close relationships that are most likely to provide the support and advice that we need in making decisions. These are the people we want close by.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Author Dale Carnegie
We find it hard as widows, to be asked about our well-being. We don’t want people’s sympathy. It just seems unnatural, as if they are struggling to be considerate.
We can also be irritated when people turn conversations around to avoid speaking about our loved one. They are uncomfortable with grief and maybe even embarrassed by their still active marriage.
Perhaps we need new relationships with people who didn’t think of us as “widows”. This is where we can use humour to push back on sympathy. Humour is healthy and gives us permission to act more natural, to play a role different than being a widow.
On one hand, we feel the need to connect with family, to spend time with them, and to create new memories. On the other hand, we are aware that our time together could be a painful reminder of their lost loved one.
I sometimes see a widow who is afraid to be honest with her family, afraid of what emotions might be let loose. We want to shield them from the pain of loss, but it creates barriers and distance at a point in time when relationships are most important.
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputations, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” Author John Wooden
Certainly, there’s a great deal that we can learn from books and online resources, and we should. But we can also learn from other widows as guides because they come from lessons that they learned from their own grief. My Blog has taught me that widows come together because it is comforting to be part of something bigger than their own grief.
Online Widow Support – Go to Facebook and request to join the Private Facebook Group, “The Sisterhood of Widows – Private Group for Widow”. This is a strictly controlled group of rules, no men and no business. Currently about 17,500 widows from around the world. Only about 50% of all requests are approved.
To Our Shared Journey,
Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®
Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator,
Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT)
Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”
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