Why do Friends Drift Away? Unfortunately, about two months after you’ve lost your husband your friends kind of forget about it. They dropped over a lasagna or sent flowers. They may even have taken time off work to attend the funeral. They shed genuine tears for you but soon the demands of day-to-day living set in and their lives return to normal. But, not so for you!
This is when you need the most support – right when most of your friends drift away and are thinking “she will just have to get used to her new life”. Although this is true to a point time has to pass for grief to heal and soften. Partly, it’s because they want to believe you’re feeling better, but they also feel helpless and uncomfortable, unsure how to help someone navigate their grief.
“After the ‘I’m so sorry’, and ‘Here’s a casserole’, people just don’t know what to say. So they say nothing. In the days after a death, there’s a surprising amount to do. But as days become weeks, the activity subsides and the harder times begin. The initial deep shock has started to wear off and there you are just floating along with no idea how to behave any more. You start to wonder if you are boring people, are you being depressing or a downer to be around.
People desperately want to think that you’re OK, maybe so that you’re no longer on their ‘to do’ list to worry about.” Grief can spring out of drawers and cupboards, off shelves, from photographs and music as it clutches at our heart, and send us to the depths loneliness. They think they are being helpful when they urge someone to “Be strong” or exclaim “You look so well!” to a friend who’s grieving, in the hope that it might be true.
So you’re always trying to find this balance between wanting the world to know that you are deep in mourning, but not wanting to inconvenience anyone. It’s worse months later when the support of those first few weeks slowly fades away.
Friends drift away – Instead what can they do to support us in our darkness?
Speak the name of the person we have lost. Then give us a chance to talk, cry and even to laugh. Widows don’t get ‘over it’ as if it were a surmountable obstacle. We get more comfortable with our discomfort, but there’s no set time for grief.
To Our Shared Journey,
Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator
Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”
Judith A Nelson
So, so true. I am so tired of hearing people ask if I am ok. Even my Dr. asked if I am “over my grief”. No, of course I am not nor will I ever be but I do the best I can every day to move forward .
Annie
My childhood best friend wrote me off. I’ll still in disbelief. I’ve never moaned and cried to her about my situation. Never. I find it hard to open up to anyone. In fact I normally inquire about her life and how she’s doing. But no more. And so it’s been over year since I’ve heard from someone I’ve literally know all my life. Quite frankly I cannot believe the way she has behaved. Thankfully I have other friends who have stepped up and walked beside me, and one is a widow. At this point I doubt my friendship will ever be the same with my childhood friend. I do not hold grudges, but I’ve lost respect.
Two friends lost their spouses at a young age and I walked right along side them. I could not imagine the pain they felt. Sadly now I do. 🙁
Kathy
My husband passed 6 weeks ago. So far my group of friends/relatives have remained close to me. I just feel that I will never recover from my husband’s passing, and I’m so sad. It up to me for a change in my emotions. I do keep a daily journal and have read much about grief. I realize things will change, but what won’t change is the fact that I will never see my husband again.
Gracie
Hi Kathy,
My condolences in the recent loss of your husband. I am trusting that each day you will find comfort in your memories, all which seem like yesterday. If I were near you, I would take pleasure in giving you a gentle hug of comfort. But I can send you an encouraging word! Let no one tell you how to feel, or how long to grieve. This is your journey, one step at a time.
I lost my husband three years ago; though I still miss him, I take confidence in moving along on this journey, one day at a time! And that sometimes is a real struggle, BUT, I move forward.
Trusting you gain great strength in the days ahead.
Humbly Submitted,
Grace
Mary
Hi Kathy,
I am sorry for your recent loss. Just try to take one day / one step at a time. I remember that is how I dealt with the loss of my husband in the beginning. The pain never goes away, but it does ease with time. It’s been 9 months for me, but I strive to move forward the best I can. You will find the strength as you go on this journey.
In regards to “Friends Drift Away” – with it being summer, people keep asking me “are you going on vacation?” This summer, I cannot even think about a vacation and just focus on day trips, lunches/dinners which works for me. I am finding that I am missing him more now, as I have so many fond vacation memories. People mean well, but they don’t grasp what I am feeling regarding this, nor do I expect them to. I have learned that I have to do this my way in my own time.
Kathy
Hi Mary, thanks for your kind reassuring words . My husband and I were childless and I have our niece who is with me in spirit every day . She lives 200 miles away so phone calls work best. I know people are away for the summer and I’m sure by the time autumn rolls around I’ll feel better. I have good days (no crying) and very bad days (non stop crying). I had my husband cremated and he lives with me in our bedroom. I talk to him a few times a day and write in my journal daily. Having become a widow is eye opening and it gives me a whole new perspective.