What is successful grieving? For me it’s understanding that grief isn’t about getting over your loss, it’s about learning to live with it. It’s about knowing that we may experience anger, depression and denial, or we may not. That embracing your story of grief doesn’t remove your suffering, but it does remove the fear that you’re not doing it right.
You should be free to observe your feelings, day by day, without shame or judgement. Without trying to fit them into a theory that others follow. Don’t judge your mourning, but instead let love flow back into your heart as you honour your memories. There is relief when we realize that there is nothing wrong with us. We are not depressed or crazy – we are grieving widows.
It’s natural to try to keep our memories alive in order to keep them with us. My husband died and I mourned. That’s part of my life so why be quiet about it?
Stories keep our memories alive and indirectly they keep our loved ones in our lives. They help us to make sense of their death and communicates our loss to others. Grief will make itself heard, no matter what. Grief story telling is particularly important in our embrace of life. Death is part of life, and sadly it cannot be avoided.
Your personality, life experiences and upbringing will dictate to a significant degree how successful grieving will be. They also show how you experience loss and what you need from yourself and others as your grief unfolds.
Take a few minutes to think about your basic personality type and how it might influence how you grieve:
- Do you need to be around others or do you prefer to be alone?
- Is it important for you to feel understood or do you walk your own path?
- Do you feel the need to express your grief by serving others?
- Do you write out your feelings by journaling?
Some widows need to become involved in a cause, visit the cemetery, create a photo album etc. All of these can be successful grieving behaviors, influenced by your sense of what you need and who you are. No one else will feel the exact way you do or will seek to express those feelings in the same way. You are unique because of your life experiences and therefore it comes to reason that your grief will also be unique so claim it for what it is.
Remember grief is not a medical condition. Embracing your uniqueness, accepting how others grieve, coming to terms with how you deal with stress – all these thing will bring you some peace and will help with your successful grieving.
To love is to risk pain. But the alternative is to live never experiencing the love that comes from a spouse. Understand who you are as a person and you will understand what influences your grief journey.
To Our Shared Journey,
Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”
Heather
What an amazing article… I needed this so badly… to see it written in front of me. These words helped my soul. Seven years since my Jeff died… 7 years of constant learning self understanding
Jenine
Thank you for this…I cry every day since my Butch died on March 27, 2023. I have to remember at times that this is grief and not depression. Reading this reminded me of that.
Brenda Tuggle
Really found this article to be very helpful.Thanks
Sharon G.
Thank you for a great post.
I’m now 18 months into my loss. I cry everyday and I’ll always miss him. He was the love of my life.
I’ve learned to cope at my own speed. I take each day one day at a time. I did it all alone. I recently finished probate. I’m still journaling. I had to pull myself up off the floor and get it together. There were bills to pay. I adopted two cats. Just the paperwork alone was a challenge but I finished it. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through, but I am proud of my accomplishments and I know my husband would be proud of me, too.
My sister recently lost her husband. She doesn’t believe her husband dead. She is still expecting him to walk through the door. She can’t write her husband’s obituary because he’s alive in her mind. She needs help, but any suggestion is met with anger. I feel sorry for her, but I can’t help her. She’s no longer speaking to me.
Catherine Anderson
I know myself enough to know that my crisis emotions are always delayed, so knowing what the issues of the first year of a loss are and the second are year are, it is already delayed somewhat, but now for me its extremely intense two years in on a daily basis. I miss my husband terribly and I am so grateful and really appreciate the email post. C Anderson
Mary
This is a great post and very helpful. I have discovered that there is a difference between grieving and depression. At times, the two can be conflicting. Somehow, we all learn to move forward the best that we can. When you reflect on all of your accomplishments, it brings about a certain peace knowing that your husband would be proud of all you have done. Only we know the trials of this journey. I try to remember that my husband wouldn’t have expected any less of me and is looking down saying “you have done an excellent job.” That alone brings me comfort and confidence to face each day.