A lot of us widows have at least one relative who tends to create holiday drama. The best thing to do is make a plan about how you spend your time with them. This will help you gain clarity about how you’re feeling – who to watch out for and how long do you want to be around them.
Instead of trying to visit every set of relatives, maybe plan to visit just one or two groups. If travelling to spend time with others, you may even consider staying in a nearby hotel to be less exposed to any family holiday drama.
If there is a specific “drama” person, let them know in advance that the holidays are neither the time nor the place for them to create drama. Lay down some very specific rules – no drunkenness and no talking politics is a great place to start. Talk to them ahead of time – be direct as they probably are not the type to pick up on subtle clues. Then stick to your line in the sand – if they act up they will be asked to leave and will not be invited next year.
Stopping holiday drama begins with you. Begin your visits with inner peace – do some positive meditations. “May you be well, safe and at peace. May I also be at peace” – focusing on the making of positive memories will make the visit go more smoothly.
A good tip is to make a pact with another relative to support each other. Even if it’s just a smile across the room to let them know that you see what’s happening and are there for any needed backup.
Are you already stressed and so are easily triggered? Put a rubber band around your wrist and gently snap it when you feel the drama getting out of hand. This will trigger you to either walk away or change the subject.
When holiday drama flares, we often play one of three roles: a victim, a rescuer or a persecutor. We all fall into our familiar roles when with others. So what role do you fall into? Are you a victim of life, someone who always comes to the rescue of the victim or do you persecute/shame the victim? Break these familiar roles by asking questions. Curiosity helps us to change our focus and lowers the drama. We all tend to play the same role every holiday, do something to change the pattern.
People can’t read our minds. If you don’t feel up to hosting this year, say so. Pose a question like, “It’s difficult for me to host every year. Can we take turns and alternate every year?” Or if you need help, express your needs.
Holiday get-togethers are not the time to force everyone to focus on and try to solve a family problem. It’s not the time to say, ‘Since we are all here, let’s talk about …. – If there is something pressing to discuss, talk about it either before the get-together or wait until after the holidays. Schedule a time to get on the phone or meet in person before or after the holidays. For now enjoy your time together and create some positive memories.
It takes grace and compassion to spend time with “drama” people. Reward your efforts by deciding how you’re going to treat yourself when the holidays are over. Even if your holidays are less than perfect, you can still make an effort to create some positive memories. Don’t let holiday drama overtake the peace and joy that you deserve.
To Our Shared Journey,
Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”
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