Socialize As a Widow

It was hard at first to socialize as a widow. I wondered how long I would feel like this – that the world was empty and there was no hope or joy.

Years ago I started a local group for widows that meets once a month for a pot luck meal and some social time.  We have this common ground as widows. It’s not depressing in the least; actually, it’s a jovial, uplifting, and strengthening association. Occasionally, people do break down but none of us will say, “Buck up,” or “get on with it.” We will just suffer with and for you.

I’m constantly amazed that every person in our group understands the importance of not giving advice. However, they are just wonderful at listening, understanding, and assuring newcomers that they are in a safe place.

We all have stories to tell, and everyone recognizes that it is a good thing to do so.

It’s important to remember that people reach this point in their lives at different times and in different ways; it doesn’t help to rush this process. We all have stories to tell, but people have to be able to tell them in their own good time.

Plan Ahead – The first time I went out to a movie without Donnie it was with a group of friends. It didn’t feel right and I couldn’t wait to leave. I had thought, “It will do me good to get out” but I wasn’t ready.  As you think ahead to any activity or celebration, plan the timing so you are in control of when you want to leave.

After the death of a loved one, life is forever changed. You are now a single in a couple’s world. Of course, friends will be kind and will try to include you in their activities, but the experience will not be the same. Now that you are single, the combination of old friends and good memories of other times makes for an empty feeling. It’s no wonder that we often feel uneasy in such circumstances.

We need to remember to be gentle with our friends, to try to understand that they are also feeling loss. It may be difficult for them to express all their feelings properly. They may be unable to help, not because they are unfeeling but because they are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. Not all of us are able to express how we feel in words.

Unfortunately, many couple friends leave when you are no longer part of a couple. Your old couple friends may have a party and you were not invited. You find out about it later, it hurts and makes you angry.

The problem is made worse by your own feelings of withdrawal and emotional pain.  We often express bewilderment at the lack of understanding from friends and families. Time and time again I hear this refrain … but they don’t understand.

Perhaps as time goes by your relationship with old friends will change to suit your life as a single, but don’t be surprised that some friends are incapable of visiting or even making a simple phone call. “I don’t know what to say,” is their usual comment.

However, some friends just seem to be there for you. They don’t intrude, nor do they give advice or second guess the decisions we make.

I had great friends that would take me to task for not playing enough and over time I slowed down to enjoy life. It took me over three years to settle down and relax.  Some grievers stay at home and don’t get out, while others, like me, hide in their busy lives.

While we are grieving, we are not our usual selves and you may not feel inclined to put your grief on hold to be around others.  Others may react the other way and need or want to be with others all the time. They want to get lost in the crowd and not have to deal with their loss.  For them, social situations offer a welcome respite from their grief.

New preferences emerge, old habits disappear and you make some new friends.  Old friends fade away and you are drawn to others who have weathered a similar loss.  All of this is normal.

One warning – don’t let solo time evolve into excessive isolation from the outside world.  We need a balance of alone time and social time so that we don’t slip from grief into depression.

Instead of thinking you’re the only one having a tough time mingling, look to the right and left of you and find someone who may be hiding by the food looking a little shy and uncomfortable. By introducing yourself and helping them get over their shyness, it takes the pressure off you and makes you feel less self-conscious.

Fear of small talk; what if you don’t have anything to talk about? Make a small goal of talking to just one person within two minutes of arriving at the get together. Visualize yourself having a good time, chatting with people and smiling.

The truth is, just being interested in what others have to say and really listening to them, is the key to making your evening more enjoyable.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®,  Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator,  Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”