I have never felt so sad and lonely.
My husband died Jan. 3. We have been together 42 years. He had been hospitalized for 7 weeks. Had a stroke, was recovering and ready to come home, then had a heart attack and several previously manageable chronic conditions made his recovery difficult and finally impossible. I brought him home Jan 2 and he died the next day. We have no children. I have lots of family near and his family have been great, calling, texting. Many came for the funeral and staggered their leaving so that someone was with me for 2 weeks after he died. I know this is a blessing, but I am alone in a way that I have never experienced. The house is empty. No one cares about what I am doing, where I am going, all those daily things we shared. Years ago I dealt with the grief of not having children, now it’s back. Brothers, sisters, nieces, etc. are not there for you the way a child is (usually). I am afraid my family and friends are going to tire of my grief. I am bad company. I cry every day, unpredictability. I have this loop replaying in my mind of those horrible weeks in the hospital. I keep thinking about what I could or should have done to have changed the outcome. I cannot imagine a happy life without him. I miss him desperately. I will never have anyone love me that way again, and I will never feel that love for someone else. This sadness goes all the way to my bones.*
Dear Jenn. I’m sorry for your loss and the empty house is hard to take. Nothing does highlight that we are alone as much as walking into an empty house. No one to greet us or notice if we don’t make it back. Many ladies get a dog and that helps because they provide unconditional love and the house isn’t empty. Over time others move to condos or apartment buildings where people are around. It’s normal for others to go back to their lives and for us to be unbalanced as we try to figure out this new life we have been forced into. It helps to talk to other widows and make new friends that understand your journey. Please consider joining my closed and private Facebook page for the Sisterhood of Widows - Closed Group for Widows.
Its okay to cry and grieve- your heart is broken and it needs to heal. Take care, Mary Francis