Do you know what self-esteem is?  It’s simply how you rate your worth.  The good news is how you rate your self-esteem is within your control and the bad news is, that it is in your control.  Yes, it is a mixed bag of emotions that gets even more difficult when we are grieving. How you interact with others and your past experiences will influence how low or high your self-esteem is.  But the past is just that and your present day self-esteem is still within your control. For example, if you compare yourself to others and you believe you come out on top, your level of self-esteem would be high.  However, if you come out at the bottom, your self-esteem could drop. The common saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy” is especially true for widows while they are grieving.  Comparing our lives to others, especially friends who still have their husbands, will only diminish our lives and lower our self-esteem. This is where your perception of yourself may have no reality or truth.  If you want to build up your self-esteem you have to stop the criticism from both others and yourself.  You need to find your true value and believe me, it’s much higher than you think. That is not to say that you think so much of yourself that you don’t value others.  If you have a true sense of self-worth you don’t have to be the center of attention. We all worry about what others think of us, but we need to understand how little they do!  We are not the center of attention for everyone around us, so don’t be obsessed with what others are thinking about us. We believe what we tell ourselves, but what if our perception is terribly distorted?  Where our emotions are involved, our negative assumptions may become a self-creating prophecy.  Once you recognize the limitations of how you look at yourself you can make different choices in how you respond to life around you. This is the moment where you start holding yourself accountable for your own self-esteem.  Question whether your perceptions are grounded in fact or are your beliefs thwarting your healing? Real self-esteem is based on finding areas where we can improve ourselves.  Healthy widows know that they will always be a work in progress.  They control their own growth, healing and self-esteem. Pay close attention to your life and focus on what will build up your self-esteem.  Each of us has our own struggles and successes.  The worst thing we can do is compare ourselves with those around us.  Don’t believe all that you see on your friends Facebook page.  They don’t post the bad moments and believe me they have them.