As important as the role of “wife” is, you matter as a person and are defined by being more than a “wife”. I know that redefining ourselves is harder than it sounds.  I was a “wife” for twenty-seven years and I couldn’t just turn that role off.  I was also a “mother”, “sister”, “friend” plus other roles but these roles had not changed like the role of “wife” did when Donnie died. It’s funny that I had so many roles in life but once I lost the role of “wife” I was unbalance.  That one role seemed to define me and yet I truly valued being a mother, sister, friend etc. I had to work at appreciating what I still had in my life – appreciate my other roles and even work at expanding them.  An example is that I have met and made more friends over the last few years.  My social life is not the same as my friendships are no longer couple based.  But I find joy in these friendships and travel more than I did when I was part of a couple. In my heart I will always be a “wife” to Donnie and those memories will always be part of my life.  But it will be five years on September 11th and I am more balanced now.  I like to think that all of my roles in life make up the whole and that I am no longer defined by just one role.  There is an emotion safety in knowing myself and knowing that I can move within roles without losing who I am as a person. Although I am no longer a “wife”, I am still a “mother” and now a “grandmother”.  As widows our lives changed and we cannot control the situation but we can control how we react to it.  It is up to us to become stronger and not let it forever drag us down. I still have my moments of sadness and I miss having Donnie in my life but I made a decision years ago that I would not be a victim of grief.  Now I spend my time enjoying the present and planning my future.  My past is full of great memories but it is only one part of my life and I have lots of living still to do.