Tell Others How to Help You
Let them know that their comforting presence (a hug or a touch) is important. Let them know they can help with shopping, cooking, errands or drives to appointments. Tell them it helps to talk about our loved ones and our memories. To be willing to admit "I don't know" when a grieving person asks "Why?" Know that it is more often a cry of pain than a question expecting an answer. Ask them to be patient with us as the period of recovery is determined by many factors. Encourage us to express our feelings. Then, accept whatever feelings are expressed without taking them personally. Pay special attention to our children as they need the security of family. Encourage us to see our doctor for a medical checkup– just to confirm that we have no illness that we have been avoiding. Encourage us to join a Support Group or to seek one-on-one counseling. Remember that weekends, holidays and evenings are difficult for us. Be willing to take the initiative socially and don't expect anything in return. It’s okay for you to cry openly. It gives us an opportunity to comfort someone else and a realization that we are not alone in our grief. Don't use platitudes like "I know how you feel...He is much better off...It's God's will...Be brave...Well, she had a good long life..." Please continue to talk about our loved one or to share your own memories. Learn the symptoms of grief and say to us, "You are perfectly normal". Discourage us from making any major changes within the first year. Relationships are a two way street and so we need to be open to each others needs, connecting with them, one heart at a time. Ask yourself, 'Who can I help?' Then use your gifts of love to help them. When you focus on bringing others joy, magic happens. That's how you move forward...and more important, how you help lift yourself out of the deep hole of grief.All Blog Postings by Mary
How To Help
Archive notice: This is a historical post from Mary’s years of blogging. Some older posts may mention products, courses or shop items that are no longer available, as Mary now focuses her time and energy on supporting widows inside her private Facebook community. The guidance and stories remain here as a free resource for widows.
For current ways to connect with Mary’s work, you can:
- Read her book on Amazon .
- Request to join her private Facebook group for widows .
Widows need to tell others how to help them. We shouldn't assume that friends and family know what to say or how to help us. The reality is that their lives go on with little change, while our lives have been totally upset and we are adrift without a life line.