Widows like me run into trouble when they try to go all the way being perfectionists. You have to learn to reduce your anxiety about being perfect when grieving. Giving up that delusional hope of being flawless will allow you to seek happiness in the only place it can be found: your real, messy, imperfect life. Releasing your unrealistic expectations opens you to the joy available in your actual life - especially if you simply allow yourself to be imperfect. Choose something you've always wanted to do - paint, music, whatever. Now set out to do it really badly. Reward yourself for even doing it. Just trying for it, showing up in your life makes you a genuine person. Welcome to real life as an imperfect widow.