Starting Over – To Move or Not?

Some widows find it nearly impossible to go on living in their home without their husbands.  But they are paralyzed by the idea of moving, of leaving everything that's familiar at a time when they are completely unbalanced.

My own experience is that it usually takes a couple of years to feel settled enough to tackle another major change.  The first year we widows often walk around stunned, angry and sad wondering what we did to bring this on.  Later on we emerge from this fog and begin to get ready to make more changes.  Our perception changes from being a victim to something we are in charge of – even though we may still be confused about what we want.

The starting point of any emotional life decision is to get very, very quiet and ask yourself this simple question:  What do I want?  Then listen to your thoughts without judging them.  Trust in your inner desires and don't get confused by fear and worry.

If you do decided to move bring only what you use and love.  If you're feeling stuck about what you want, find a friend who can really, really listen and not jump in with their opinions.  Inventory and tag, room by room, what you want to keep, sell, store and give away. 

    1.  Get some help with the move.

      2.  Get three estimates from moving companies.

        3.  Arrange for change of address and utilities.

          4.  Carry and transport valuables yourself.

            5.  Number each box and piece of furniture.

              6.  Make an inventory list to give to the movers.

                7.  Prepare a "first to unpack box" for first sleep over.

                  Moving doesn't have to mean buying another place.  It may give you time to gain a sense of balance if you rent for a year.  Renting can provide a stepping stone into your new life, a chance to build a new life on your own terms. 

                  It's hard to understand as a new widow but your not moving into a lesser life.  You're moving into a different life than planned, but it's still your life to live on your terms.

                   

                   

                   

                   

                   

                  12 Responses

                  1. Terrie
                    | Reply

                    I caanot afford to live in our rent to own. My hubby was mr fix it. To many major issues for me to fix. Hard to find a rental with pets let alone limitef funds. And I want a small house.

                    • Mary Francis
                      | Reply

                      Hi Terrie – It is hard to start over when we are on our own.  Sometimes what we want is not currently possible but you can always work towards getting a small house.  Set goals for what you need to purchase and maintain a small house to see if it is possible and if so start saving towards it.  If it’s not possible put out the word with friends and family to see if anyone knows of a good rental that will allow pets.  Take charge now before it is forced on you by others.  Mary Francis

                  2. Carole
                    | Reply

                    I am going to be 75 in June. I lost my husband a year ago. At the moment, I don’t want to move. We have no children. I’m just happiest here. Maybe in the near future, I will change my mind. I don’t know.

                    I get so much advice about how I should move. I’m not ready yet.

                    Carole

                    • Mary Francis
                      | Reply

                      Then please don’t move. This is your journey so don’t let others (they mean well) push you into doing something your not ready for. The time will come when you may be ready and you will know when it does. Take care. Mary Francis

                  3. angie
                    | Reply

                    Sadly I have to move due to finances, my youngest Daughter and I have found a place and will be moving very soon.
                    Due to the severity of his illness we lost our previous home in 2009, then in 2013 he took out a loan for the home we are in now, sadly the payments and utilities are just too high for us. He would be heartbroken but yet he would not want me to struggle or be constantly worried so that makes it a bit easier.
                    The fact that he died here is something that makes it difficult but I really feel it’s for the best.

                    • Mary Francis
                      | Reply

                      Dear Angie – My husband also died at home and I moved so I completely understand how you feel about moving to a new place. Take care of yourself. Mary Francis

                  4. Rosie
                    | Reply

                    I lost my husband of 15 yrs to suicide in Jan 2017. It’s been an incredibly difficult time. My grief is deep and raw. I miss him with all my being and the life we had before his mental breakdown. I’m living in the home that we built together and it’s very close to his family who I get along with very well but far from my family, whom I’m close with. I feel a lot of pressure from my family to move closer to them but one lives in Alberta and the others in Eastern Ontario. I live about 15-20 hrs drive from either of them. I feel torn. I don’t know what to do.
                    I have a stressful job here but I have been off since my husband’s passing. I don’t know where I should live or what I should do with my life. I’m 49 and I feel so lost. I want to do something meaningful with my life but I just don’t know what or where.

                    • Mary Francis
                      | Reply

                      Hi Rosie – Lets write this out because it sounds like you have a lot to figure out:

                      Option one = stay in house you built together, close to his family but far from your family.
                      Option two = sell the house and get a new home, but still close to his family.
                      Option two = sell the house and move away from his family but closer to your family.
                      Option three = sell the house and move midway between both families (8 hours either way) but not close to either.

                      Did he die at home? Does the house bring you some peace or is it a painful reminder of his death?

                      Option one = stay in your stressful job
                      Option two = stay in current home town but get a new job
                      Option three = move to new area and get a new job, but still in the same field of work.
                      Option four = move to new area and get a different job in something you find meaningful.
                      Option four = go back to school and get trained for something you feel passionate about

                      I hope laying out your options in this way helps you. Write out the pros and cons to each option to clarify what you really want. Only you can make this decision, not your family or his family – it’s got to come from what you want. Take care, Mary Francis

                  5. G
                    | Reply

                    This was helpful even in 2023. My husband passed away unexpectedly and we must move as the expense is too much. I need to move with my son and daughter from our family home of 17 years. I also need to begin working as soon as possible. This is all happening within 10 months of his passing. I know I had to sell, and move, but doing it all this soon is so very difficult for all of us emotionally. We haven’t found a new place to go yet but will have to move quickly. I wish I could pause and catch my breath after his death, and immediately having to sell and decide.

                  6. Dottie
                    | Reply

                    I also lost my husband almost 4 yrs ago, then I lost my only grown son recently within 2 hrs. I’ve met someone who is not liked very much because of our ups and down with his jealous nature. I know I love him but no one will accept. I shouldn’t have shared the negative things with family(out of town) but I was scared and confused. Now I’m torn between moving closer to family I’ve never lived clos to in 50 yrs. Or to move with my boyfriend to become a couple, away from family. Any help out there would be appreciated, I’m lost.

                    • Mary Francis
                      | Reply

                      Why only those two choices – him or family? Why not stay where you are until you know for sure what you want?

                  7. Trrygitl
                    | Reply

                    I lost my husband in 2021 and now have the courage to sell our home. It took me so many years to gather this courage but I do know it is the right decision since there are so many memories in this house. I will miss the house and cry but I can’t stay it is just overwhelming and gets me depressed. I do admire the women who can stay in there homes but I just can’t. I wish you all the best in your future and may god bless you all!

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