At this point you may feel ready to jump back into the relationship jungle but there are some things you still need to learn so you can be successful. You can’t just wish your grief away – you certainly can’t just keep repeating some “positive affirmations” and think that everything will come up roses.
• You must first become aware of the need to make some changes.
• You need to discover what your new needs are.
• Be willing to take steps forward.
• You must want these changes and be willing to work on “yourself”.
• Your first step is to trust your intuition.
• The key is allowing yourself to listen to and trust your internal voice.
Who are you? Take time to write out everything you know about yourself – the good, bad and ugly. Know yourself, accept what you can’t change examples: Family, upbringing, height, etc. and improve yourself where and when you can.
9 Responses
Mary Johnson
I am a widow who has been ganged up on by my neighbourhood from the outset, now running into years, comletely unjustifiable. Ganging up against Canadians is rampant and together with the non-stop abuse being inflicted on women seniors contibutes to the ill-health of the nation. I was widowed fairly young and have started over several times. Finally my “only” bought me a house that sunk her in the financial mire for life due to a woman realtor who took advantage of her trusting nature and cleverly cut me put of the equation and created a false second offer with other realtors. Then to find myself only to be wrecked by a 30 house neighbourhood even through chemotherapy and physical disabilities, every day of my life. It is an outrage. They couldn’t have had a better neighbour in Canada – a major winner for Canada. Where does one find lawyers to deal with such a treacherous situation ? Lawyer referral is a needle in a haystack. This is not the Canada I grew up in. I have written hundreds of letters to flush out the situation, all the while concealing my identity because of reprisals against the innocent. I have even written to the Vatican.
Patricia
Thank you for insight & honesty. Now I hear my internal voice as fewer distractions in hours outside of work. It’s the courage to change the things I can that has me stumped. Used to feel so brave. Will start with knowing who I am now. Thanks again.
Mary Francis
Hi Mary. Nothing changes until you decide that you want it to. Take control instead of accepting treatment that is not acceptable. Start with looking at all the options for moving and making a fresh start. This is a free country so find a way to overcome those excuses for staying. Or if you must stay start being a friend first without expecting any thing back. Do some volunteer work, smile, laugh and enjoy living and be happy. No one can take that from you. Life is worth enjoying and so are you. Mary Francis
Erjem
I lost my beloved husband, the love of my life in my early twenties. I have since then had a few “serious” relationships (cohabiting-serious like) that didn’t really go no where. Yet I realised that I have changed completely, abruptly, radically both the type of life I was living and the very person I was before. Not that I became a crazy party beast or anything extreme. Actually I may have bettered my self as a human being and even achieved a lot in my life since I met my spouse of four years. Yet I don’t want to re-marry – ever – although I had almost one whole decade trying to “get over” my loss. I just miss every second of our past life, sometimes I miss him so bad I want to die and the only reason why I keep on living my life alone without him is that if we ever meet again in the afterlife I wanna have some awesome stories to tell him ( cos he was quite an interesting adventurer 🙂 ). I know there are plenty of nice people around the world, including the guy I have been living with in the last four years… but I also know that I would throw anyone off of a cliff if I was asked to pick between my husband and anyone else. The funny thing is I never even dreamed of him in all these years. Lately instead I had dreams of my grandfather who recently passed away. I dreamed he invited me out for dinner saying he took some time “off of his vacation” to come and celebrate his birthday with me and family and when it was time for him to leave I chased after him, stopped him and hugged him dearly begging him to bring my regards to my husband and hug him for me. I woke up crying my eyes out for just having mentioned him in my sleep… I felt even worse because he used to hug me tight whenever I would have a nightmare until I would fall asleep again. But he was not there. There was another man whom I love, but not him… I wish I had had his kids so I would have “something” left of him. The sole idea of having kids with anyone but him deeplt saddens me and I feel like I’m being unfair to the person I am dating. I know it sounds naive but my husband was a really great man and I am scientifically sure I will never find anyone that could compare – not that this makes him more deserving of love than others, but he truly was a rare pearl, the type of gracious souls that change the world without even bothering for recognition. I have learnt so much from him, he was a mentor and I owe him everything. But somehow I hate that he’s gone without me. I hate living without him. And I hate everyone near me for not being him -as much as this sounds ridiculous. And I hate still crying like a little girl every fucking time I realise how much I miss him, as if I could cry him back to life….
I dont know how to want to get over it…
I apologise for the long comment. That s actually the first time ever that I talk about him in “pubblic”. Take care xoxo
Mary Francis
Dear Erjem – Please never apologize for talking about your love, loss and grief. It’s is natural and healthy to speak about our loved ones and to share our stories. It is also healing for other widow to hear our stories so they know that they are not alone in how they feel. Thank you for sharing, Mary Francis
Melinda
My husband passed away on Feb. 13 2017. I have a 4 year old and a 5 year old. I like to face book my thoughts and I came across this beautiful photo of a man and woman in their senior years embracing lovingly . I commented that seeing it made me want to get married again. To have someone to hold me in their arms……I received a message from my late husbands relative telling me it was too early to get married and she went on to tell me off in a way……It was very harsh to my heart and immediately I wanted to shrivel up inside again….I haven’t even been on a date or talked to the opposite sex on the phone…..I felt a shamed of my own desire to be touched again……Is this a normal reaction that widows face when they start to share their desire to live.
Mary Francis
Dear Melinda – It’s normal to want to be loved, to be embraced and to be touched again. There is nothing to be ashamed of – in fact it’s a healthy sign that your alive. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own unique way. I think it’s a misconception that the longer you wait, the more you loved your spouse. That’s just not true. Remember always “you cannot live your life by the opinion’s of others”. Please recognize that our hearts can expand to embrace all love that we are fortunate in this life to receive, so why not be open to finding another love when your ready. Just be careful that it’s not out of loneliness and need, because not all men are gentlemen like our late spouses. Mary Francis
Carol
No offense meant. But loneliness and need are to the point why we seek intimate relationships. The need to give love and receive love are the joy of life. We were not meant to be islands unto ourselves. My thoughts for what they are worth. Widowed for a year, married for 53.
Mary Francis
Hi Carol – I agree, we are not meant to be islands unto ourselves. Some widows find relationships in family, in friends and/or in another love. To each their own. Mary Francis