Make it your home, it was shared with your spouse and now you may not feel at home in your own house. Do you dread facing your empty house when you come home?
Slowly and carefully you may want to make some small changes, but only when it feels right to you. Start with one room by looking around it and deciding on what you want to keep, what is comfortable for you and what needs to go.
It could be as simple as moving a plant into an empty corner or getting a new cover for your bed. The moment you make one simple change, you are starting to make the home yours.
Be willing to experiment and remember that even though your loved one does not live there anymore, their spirit remains in your memories. Move things around, take some away and add something new.
Slowly, you can breathe some freshness into your home and it will be more welcoming when you walk into it.
What do you do with all the things you have accumulated over the years? I found out, much to my amazement, that the children didn’t want them either.
Having a lot of things stuffed in boxes in the garage and closets created negative energy. Eliminating the clutter freed me of always thinking about it and having it done made me feel better.
If it’s your loved ones clothes and personal possessions, don’t do anything with them till some time has passed and you are ready. But don’t hold on to all their things for years and years. There are some things that should be kept for memories but old tools, big boy toys, clothes and collectables should go unless you use them yourself.
What is your side of the bed? Like most couples Donnie and I had our own sides of the bed. I loved to cuddle up to his back for a few minutes beore I would turn arount to snuddle into my pillow..For months after his death the bed didn’t feel right. My daughter brought me an oversized Teddy Bear for Donnies side of the bed. I slept with it for months before I let it go. Over the years my bedroom became my retreat and has received more than one facelift. Now I sleep all over the bed and can’t image sharing my space. Where and how do you sleep? To make it your home, I suggest you start with the bedroom as it may help you to sleep better.
It may take energy you don’t feel like you have, but just getting up and doing this as a project will make you feel like you are accomplishing something. That feeling of accomplishment will help you move on to the next project and give you something positive to plan for.
Life isn’t about “things” – “things” don’t come to your funeral. Clutter will block positive energy, sap your energy and even negatively affect your health. Organize one room at a time. Once that area is completed, pick another room to declutter. Baskets with lids are great for organizing objects in one area. Simply commit to ONE hour a day on ONE room per day and before you know it that one room will make it your home – personally yours.
To Our Shared Journey,
Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”
Sharon G.
In 2024, I sold the house my husband and I shared for 35 years. I bought another home in my hometown to be closer to my family. The newer home feels “right” and even though he never lived in it, I feel his presence and believe he is watching over me and the two cats
I adopted 2 months after he was gone.
I still have all the memories from the 40+ years we were married and will cherish them forever. As part of my journey, I put together a keepsake box with some of his things in it. Friday, January 31, will be 2 years since he passed. He was the love of my life, my soulmate. I miss him everyday.
Wendy S
I was widowed Dec 26, 2024. My kind and loving husband slipped on unrealized ice after I called to him from the doorway and he turned to respond (his usual “Yes, daahlin–“). He was on blood thinners. The ER didn’t take us seriously until it was too late. I have ME/CFS, long Covid and Ehlers-Danlos, and he was my caretaker and best friend. Loved to do things for me/us. Happily carried my laundry, did all the cooking, most of the shopping, driving, etc. Lots of day road trips got me out if the house. I had stopped working Dec 6 at 62 (he already was retired) and we were planning a new life of healing for me in 2025. Introverts, no kids, my nearest sibling is in her 70s and two hours away. One close-ish friend is busy with grandkids and travels with spouse. I already spent a lot of time horizontal due to the chronic illnesses. Too-large and quiet house full of his scattered stuff. I have a sheet over his desk and closed off the room with his chair and the couch where we sat together. Our society is not kind to bereaved spouses and I am further exhausted by the impossible paperwork (not to mention long calls on hold with unhelpful scripted reps) trying to pull together finances. Doing anything, including with even one room, seems impossible. Road ahead looks empty. I hope it is short.
Sharon G.
Wendy – Don’t give up!
The volume of mail I received, the lack of support from my husband’s family combined with all of the paperwork was something I didn’t expect. I told my sister that everyone who loses a spouse needs an “advocate”. It’s hard to know what to do, where to begin. I made a list and even though it helped to write it down, I was overwhelmed.
I was about 8 months into the grief and paperwork when I snapped. I’d had a root canal and was having cataract surgery so I was feeling miserable. All I remember was screaming into my cell phone at the life insurance person who was talking to me in a condescending voice. I wasn’t cussing at him – I was screaming at him. I retreated to my backyard and after screaming at the trees, I felt better just watching birds and looking at nature.
One day I sat in my car in my driveway contemplating whether to just drive away and leave everything behind or face the stack of mail in the seat next to me. I left the mail in the car and went for a walk.
It’s been an incredibly sad, difficult, and lonely 2 years. Even though I sold a house and bought another house, interviewed numerous movers, packed and unpacked all of my household goods by myself, moved 100+ miles from where I lived for 36 years, I was alone. Every decision I made, I made alone. I didn’t think I could do it but determination, strength, and support from my family and friends helped me on this journey. I know my husband would be proud of me and what I’ve accomplished. I don’t know what is next but I just keep moving forward.
I miss my husband more than words can say. I’d give anything to talk to him, hear him sing, hear his laughter, or get a hug and kiss from the man I loved for over 40 years. He was my soulmate. I miss him and think about him everyday. He was the love of my life!
Take care of yourself, Wendy.
You are not alone.
Michele Tougas
I don’t like to live alone in my house. It’s hard to return to it. Everyone I do it reminds me of the empty lonely life now. It affects me with anxiety and fear this will stay this way.
I try to do things to get better but it always is there. Lots of tears.